Day 556

.

Dear Syed,

I've never been this cold.

Never been this ignorant.

Somehow i am glad this way now.

It makes me impervious to emotional attacks.

Stop me from being too sensitive.

Sounds too familiar, isn't it.

J.

Day 546

.

Dear God,

Can i die today?

I want to die.

I want to rest in peace.

J.

Day 538

.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did, I did

You were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done

There is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard

Falling for betrayal is worst

Broken trust and broken hearts

I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there

Building faith on love and words

Empty promises will wear

I know, I know

And now when all is gone

There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarassing me

On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would me

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

(Shontelle, Impossible)

Day 531

.

Syed,

I just could not believe it. You brought her. To my convocation.

I have been trying to accept the fact you are seeing someone since the day i found out about it. But seriously do you really need to show your affection towards your girlfriend today at MY graduation day. My family was there. My friends were there. Does it ever comes to your mind the idea that i have feelings?

Knowing the fact that you finally meet someone to replace me is one thing. When you know i waited for you. When you are fully aware the reasons of it. To see you two together in front of my face is another big thing. You knew how it felt when Azura left you for someone else. So you should know how my feelings would be seeing you holding her hands.

I can totally accept it that you were coming for Iyas. But is it a necessity to bring your girlfriend when she has nothing to do with Iyas and you knew I was going to be there, considering me and Iyas were coursemates. I know you have life. She has her life. And you both can do whatever you want with your life. But i too have my own. That is my graduation day. Not yours. Not hers. It is suppose to be one of the greatest memory of my life. Could not you be more considerate thinking of that fact. Now whenever people asking me about my graduation. All that play in my mind is, "Great. My ex came with his new girlfriend. Walking hand in hand in front of my family and friends."

Don't worry . I have let you go the moment i saw what a jackass you have become. Seeing you with her really hits me. Knowing the fact that you once held my hands, and then seeing you there holding hers made me feel so stupid to even let you touching me at the first place. I should not have let you into my life and lie about love. Soon, I will became nothing more than a fading memory to you. It reminds me to all the things that my professor once advised me. All of it are true. I should have listen to her instead of arguing with her and continue to trust all your words.

Now it is not the part of losing you that hurt me so much. But the fact of me being stupid to actually believe in you, your words, your so called love. It is true when they said why should you believe when there is lie hidden inside the word.

I hope u will never forget the fact that i am a human. A girl. A girl that you ignored for months. Do you think I deserve all of this? I wish i can be happy for you. But how am i going to do that when you do not even think about my happiness.

J.

Day 511

.

Syed,

Is he seeing someone now?

Yes he is. But if you ask who, I have no idea.

Do you hold her hands like you held mine?

Do you rub her cheeks when she smiles?

Do you kiss her hand while you are driving?

Do you rub her tummy when she feels sleepy?

Did you had dinner with her every night?

Do you bring her watching movie at GSC Signature, Gardens?

Do you enjoy taking her photos?

Is your phone full of her pictures?

Do you write her cards for every day you are not with her?

Does she also get a bunny?

Have you brought her home?

Have you introduce her to everyone?

Has Amir meets her?

Do you let her call you Aliq?

Do you bake cupcakes together?

What did you gave her, a necklace? Cuz you gave Azura a ring, and I got a bracelet.

Have you met his family?

Have you promise her that your love will be forever and you will marry her?

Have you tell her that you will never ever love anyone else after her?

Have you promise her mother that you will take a good care of her?

You are creating a new memory. And mine will soon fades away. 10 years from now i am not sure if you will still remember me.

I think i always will.

Because you are the only guy i did all of that with.

J.

Day 500

.

Dear Syed,

Love is always patient and kind.

It never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited.

It never rude or selfish.

It does not take offense and is not resentful.

I will always love you.

Then, now and the days to come.

J.

Day 495

.

Things that i like about Syed:

1. His hair. I still remember the first few dates, I just cannot resist myself to touch his hair until one day i gather all the courage and asked him, "can i touch your hair".

2. His ears. The next day i asked, "Can i touch your ear?" I like how it gets real red when he feels hot. and I like the texture of em. I like running my fingers through the helix of his ears because at the end of it, there are few little hairs that feel so smooth.

3. His smile. The smile that really melts my heart. I hate when he is angry. Because it scares me. No smile. Just those angry eyes.

4. His smell. CK Euphoria. Hmmph.

5. How he looks real good in pink. Thank you for wearing that shirt on your birthday.

6. I like how our fingers fit into one another when we walk holding hands. It doesnt feel awkward. They just fits together. That is one of the things that makes me believe you're the one.

7. I like how he will hold the steering wheel with one hand and hold my hand with another while driving. Reminds me of that song by Taylor Swift, Our Song.

8. I like how he looks like from the side. The reason why I kept staring at him in the car while he was driving. And i love him more because my stare does not even bother his concentration.

9. I like it when he is 24-7 with me through phonecalls, skype, dating sessions. We used to talk on the phone as early as 5 o'clock. Until one day he get so busy with work and started to get grumpy and do not want me to wake him up at late at night or early in the morning just for unimportant talks.

10. I like how he is able to make me feels so shy in front of camera when i usually don't.

11. I like it when he is happy because of the things i did.

12. I like it when he touches my nose.

13. I like when he cut my nails while stopping at the red lights.

14. His hug. I like being there, close to his heart. It makes me feel safe and loved.

15. I like when he hugged me from the back while i withdrew money from the ATM machine.

16. I like how his hands look like. They are so pale that u can see those vessels running under the skin. His vessel's anatomy is so different from others that u feel like to try inserting branula inside it.

17. I like it when his hands are cold. So i would ask him to put his hand over the aircond until they become cold before he touches my cheek. It feels so comfortable. Hmmph.

18. The way he treated me. Like a princess. I wish I could see it clearly before.

19. He likes to bake cupcakes with me.

20. He doesnt care that i have fatty tummy.

:)

Happy Birthday!

Day 77

.

July 11, 2009

Me:

I love this song cuz I feel that is how you feel about me. It feels as if the singer sing this song on ur behalf.

Syed:

:) almost exactly how i felt.

;)

i love u...

Me:

Why almost?

Syed:

Because you have to know i love you more than just what the song tells you. ;)

My love for you is greater than my life. I would live just for you.

You're the reason I smile everyday ;)

Why can't I still be the reason?

Day 431

.

Dear Syed,

During the holidays before i started working, i thought a lot about us. About your actions. My actions. Our relationship.

There are situations that i did not understand back then but i do now.

1. Remember when i refused to delete Johann's messages from my inbox. The theory behind it is as the same as you never get rid of Azura's stuff. I know you are still keeping them somewhere. He never gave me anything to keep as memories other than those messages. It was only a month after he left when i found you. And you know that. Yet you still want to try to make us work. Seriously I do too. I just wish you would give me more time. Because I know i will let it go some day. Or maybe at that moment i should have explain it to you the reasons and convince you that you are the only one i want to be with. So that you would not have been so suspicious on my feelings.

2. I could not understand why it really bothers you about my relationship with other guys. I hate your insecurity. I was with you. I chose to be with you. And yet you doubt my loyalty. It hurts. Because honestly i always trusted you. Do you see me getting mad saw messages from your female friends in your handphone. Did i ever get angry reading those text messages from Azura? If only you knew i always told Umar and Johann how lucky i was having you in my life. How i wish you would be together with me until the end. And i never went out with anyone else when we were an item. I never cheated on you. I always told you who called or messaged me. Maybe it's my fault for not showing my love towards you as much as you did. Maybe that's why the insecurity exist on the first place. I am sorry if i ever made you feel unloved.

3. There was this one time when i showed you some of the photos from my digital camera. And then i forbid you to see the rest of the photos. Right after that, you got so mad at me. You started to be cold. Which i seriously did not understand your action. And you started to eat the dinner without invited me. I was hurt. I did not know what did i do so wrong that u behave such a way. The reason i did not let you to see those photos because i was ashamed. There were photos of my bags, soft toys, clothes. I was scared if you see them, you will see me as an immature child. Only 2 months ago, i realised why exactly you were mad during that time. You thought there were photos of me with a guy that i did not want you to see. Am i right? That was why you were so damn angry. With that, I am sorry for giving you a wrong impression by not giving a good explaination of my reasons for not showing you those photos.

4. Do you remember the night we had dinner at Paddington's.The night we fought so bad that i think it is one of the reason we broke up. You took my photo using my handphone's camera. Then as i was looking at the photo, i replied Johann's message. You asked who did i message. I could have lied to you. But i did not. I do not want to because i do not think lies are good for a relationship. And shit I was wrong. I should have lied. Because after that you started to say all those hurtful things. You brought up the issue that you were the one who bought me the phone, the one who paid the bills but yet i used them to send photos to some other guy. I never asked you to give me all of that. You choose to pamper me. And i am grateful for it. But i do not like when you make it as an excuse to control my life. Control who i can be friends with. If only you knew he was only asking me where am i. And i replied i am outside having dinner with my boyfriend. Which was you. I was there with you. And it was just a message. The same message i would replied to Wani if she was the one who send the message. And you accuse me for breaking my promise to not contact him anymore. You forced me to make that promise. I did not want to because i know i will not be able to hold onto it. He was a lousy lover but he is a good friend. He is a good reminder for me to be grateful i have you. There are reasons why i choose to be with you over him. I wish you can see that. Or i should have say it out loud to you rather than hoping you will come up with that thought on your own.

5. Whenever we fought, i would kept silence and cry. Not that i want to ignore you. I just could not answer all your questions because somehow the emotion caught my tongue. If only instead of interrogating me and forced me to talk, you would just hugged me and calm me down. Eventually i will say all the things that you are hoping me to say. I was in shocked. I could not think clearly when you are in front of me with that scary angry face. I am sorry if i am too complicated to understand.

From all of the above situations that i have thought thoroughly, i can conclude that our realationship did not work because of poor communications. We should have fight, talk, discuss loudly just like you always tried to do. We should not kept everything inside because later there will come a day when we cannot hold it anymore. Next, it explodes and things got messy. Just like us.

If you want to blame it on me, i will take it. Because you did try to communicate with me. And i did not. You always mention about your feelings, your insecurity. And i never bother to care.

Remember i once said i like you because you are a simple person. I do not like when you talk to me about your feelings, about our relationship, about my doings. It is too heavy for me to focus on. When things got complicated, i just refused to think. Maybe I wasn't really prepared for a serious relationship as i thought i was.

But what if..

Now, 9 months after we broke up,

I said I am prepared for it.

I am ready to make the relationship works.

Would you give me a second chance?

Or would you still say i am too late to change?

*sigh*

J.

Day 427

.

I think God don't love me.

That's why i have a hard life.

That's why i stop praying.

Day 209

.

The day i need you.

20 November, 2009.

Syed:

I don't need you.

You can't simply force me to come back to you. Even if i came back, I won't have feelings for you, and things will not get better.

So, stop this.

PLEASE STOP.

Day 85

.

One of those days when i feel down.

July 19, 2009.

Syed:

Baby...stay strong k? :)

And i will always be here to lend you my strength..Don't you worry :)

Don't give up! Life's like that. It's full of challenges, it's frustrating, it's miserable to live in, but what's left is for us to make a good outcome out of it right? ;)

I love you, sayang...Loving you more each day.

I don't know why do I miss you even when we meet every single day.

Nak kahwin kot :p

Thank you for always be there for me.

I wish you are still there for me.

Like always.

Like you once said you would to.

Day 56

.

More and more FB messages.

Day 27.

You bau wangi, bile u jalan depan i, i suke bau. :p

Day 52.

I wish I could spend more time with you. worth the pnat :)

Day 56.

Remember, i will always love u..no one can ever become your substitute ;)

Day 62.

Baby... i wanna hug u... Let's get married next year!

They said the first three months are the happiest time for every couple.

The fight will only start when the relationship entering the fourth month.

They are right.

Day 54

.

June 18, 2009.

Me:

U, i want to book a space in your heart for eternity. I nak space in your arm too. Can tk?

You:

Sayang, u already have that special place in my heart currently. All you have to do, dok diam2 kat situ, let me pamper you accordingly, okie? ;)

And my arms are meant to make you feel safe when you're around me :)

Day 43

.

June 7, 2009.

The day I came back from a week of camping outside the city. And found these messages from you in my FB inbox.

June 1.

Syed:

Syg...balikla cpt... i tak thn dah ni :(

Syg...rindu...

Syg...i love u...

June 1.

Syed:

Baby...i want you.

June 2.

Syed:

Baby...i miss you.

June 3.

Syed:

Baby...i love you.

June 5.

Syed:

Baby! Uwa..smlm i tertido trus. tgk da terlepas sehari tau.

Baby, i syg u sgt2...cptla balikk.

June 6.

Syed:

Yay! You're coming back home today :D Can't wait to see you sayang :D

I pray that you arrive home safely ;)

Missh you!

And i was terribly missing you too back then. I still remember how i annoyingly pestering my friends that i want to go back to KL every seconds of each day i was at the camp.

Day 20

.

Our first fight..

May 15, 2009.

You: I am sorry. I will stop breathing until you forgive me. Let me suffocate.

Me: Lame.

You: What if i punch and pinch myself?

I cannot even remember what the cold war was about.

Day 16

.

This is our first FB message.

May 11, 2009.

You: You do not miss me anymore. :(

Me: Wek ;p

You: Gigit kang budak comel sorang ni. Ngap2.

Me: Tumbuk kang.

You: Aritu dah bagi karate kat blakang bdn i, nak tumbuk plak ek..ganaz.

I am sorry for hitting you that day. I was trying to pat your back. I did not know how my hand became so stiff and hurt you. Huhu..

Day 400

.

Dear Syed,

One of the tons of things I learn after we broke up is:

FOOD Is Very Important

Empty stomach makes me emotional as much as it makes you cranky. We fought a lot during fasting month, dint we? We should be more patient.

Hmm.

No. I should be more patient.

p/s: Ramadhan is coming. And nobody will celebrate my birthday as it falls again in fasting month.

J.

Day 395 and1/2

.

Dear Syed,

I found an idea how to get over you. It is called as Attention Diversion.

I think you are fully aware of this theory as you are practising it right now. You divert all your energy to your work and Angel. So your mind will not have any space left to think of me which usually your brain will involuntary does.

Sadly I will not be working until end of next month. So i do not have a busy working life at the moment to help me divert my attention. I have to use another technique which is called Thought Block. Right now, i am thinking of what to do with my salary. I love to think about money. It is the second thing that makes me happy, after you. What am I going to buy and where I am going to go. It also has Visualisation technique. Impressive. 2 theories in 1.

I better stop before I sounded more crazy. But it is better to be like this than weeping over you for days when you do not even think of me.

Hu hee~

God, please please please help me to be strong.

J.

Day 395

.

Dear Syed,

It was yesterday when Wani asked me if I ever dreaming of you in my sleep. And i answered No.

You never really show up in my dream. Ever.

Until...

This morning.

I always thought that if we ever bumped into each other in the future, you may look the other way or pretending you do not see or know me.

But in the dream, you were smiling. Seeing me. It is just weird. But hm.. I don't think it will ever going to happen. You're not like that.

It was just a dream.

A meaningless dream.

J.

Day 393

.

Dear Syed,

"Why did you broke up with Syed?"

I was watching Hannah Montana on beautiful Saturday morning when my mom asked that question this morning. I think it was because my great cuz, Ika is getting married next year. She and Naim fought a lot and broke up several times. But somehow they always find ways to get back together again and again. I don't know why our luck is not as good as theirs.

Anyway, I don't really answer my mother's question. I cannot bring myself to say that it is my fault that you left. I just said we fought a lot.

"Do you have any other boyfriend?"

"No."

"Then, why? What makes him so determined to leave you when both of you look okay before. Macam dah berpatah arang. What did you do?"

I just kept quiet and fixed my eyes on the TV screen.

My mother used to say i have a low EQ. So i guess she already knew it is my fault. I don't understand why she have to repeatedly asking a question i do not want to answer. I tried to prove her wrong about the fact that I cannot handle my emotion well. But I guess, she is right.

By the end of the night, I ended up with headache, eye pain, and stomachache. But none of them can overcome this hurt in my heart.

J.

Day 392

.

Dear Syed,

I think I am deprived of love.

You are lucky. You get 1/3 of love from each parents. If you sum it up, you'll see that you get more than half love from your parents.

I got 0 love from my father and 1/6 from my mom. In total, I only received 1/6 of love.

When I was with you, I was in so much bliss as I received full 100% of love from you. I don't think I ever get fully loved like that before or after.

This is one of the reasons why it is just so damn effing hard to let you go.

I hate it when i talk crap.

And i had watched Shrek. The moral of the story was never take things for granted. Haish. So not impressing and laughable except the redonkeylous part.

J.

Day 391

.

Dear Syed,

I cried again tonight. I am starting to hate myself for that. I was thinking about life. My life. How it would be if I destroy you and all the memories. If there is no existence of you in my life. How would my life be. All i can see in my mind was a dark night with a dim light in one corner. It would be dull. Sad. Boring. Nothing.

At this moment, only the memories of us give me happiness. Everyone kept talking, advising and telling me to forget you. I dont know how to do that, when it is the only thing that can make a smile formed on my face.

I cried hard thinking about it. I had to control the sounds of the cry at the lowest volume so my family would not hear it. I cried like the day when you were so mad at me. The only thing that somehow calm me down tonight was the spectacular view of the city. Living on the tenth floor really gives you the opportunity to see how Kuala Lumpur looks like during nightime. It never sleep.

But i should get to sleep. My eyes hurt. Hope it will get better by tomorrow. May Shrek helps me to have a good day tomorrow.

Good nite.

May you have a beautiful dream.

J.

Day 386

.

Dear Syed,

Today I asked my mom to teach me how to make chicken rice. I watched every steps. But i did not write down anything. I hope I will manage to remember it all using photographic memory which I hope I have. :)

I watched the final badminton match for Thomas cup. Lin Dan is quite a hot guy. Too bad he did not play for Malaysia.

I just put up the music playlist in the blog. I love the songs. Especially the track no 1. The Nanometer sounds good too. They are written and sang by Wani Ardy.

Hmm...

How is your day today?

J.

Day 383

.

Dear Syed,

I just finished watching the last episode of Adamaya. Since the last few episodes, crying seems a must for me everyday. I don't know. I was so emotional. Maybe it was the hormone.

The story reminds me of us. The coldness of Adam reminds me on how you were few days before the break up. The stupidity of Maya reminds me of all my faults.

I admit he is my first love. But I never cheated on you. I never go out with him behind your back. Yes we did text messaging. That was all we did. And it was not as frequent as I replied your messages. He never acted like a boyfriend to me. The reason why I always defense what I did is not because I love him but because I was hurt that you did not trust me. You did not trust my capability of differentiating between love and friendship.

And I am sorry for mentioning his name maybe too many times to you. Especially when we were fighting. I admit that is my fault. I will never let it happen again. I know I have promise you something. I don't really want to make that promise at the first place because I know I may not be able to hold on to it. But you forced me. And i am very sorry for breaking the promise.

Back to the story, Maya cheated on Adam. Many times. Eventually, she regretted it. And Adam forgive her. He forgets and he moves on. But he moves on together with Maya.

That makes me think am I really a bad person that it is so hard for you to forgive what I did. All i ever wanted was to have a good relationship with everyone because somehow it is easier for me to forget someone when they are there. Not when they are afar from me.

I don't know. Nothing I said can ever soften your icy cold heart.

Mungkin satu hari nanti ade pencuci yang berkesan untuk melunturkan kesan luka di hati awak.

J.

Day 382

.

Dear Syed,

Yesterday could be our 8 month anniversary. Do you still remember the date?

There are tonnes of strawberries and chocolates in the fridge. If we are still together, i would have bring them over to the KLCC. We can have a short picnic together at the park despite of this endless summer season. I know I need to stop daydreaming and wishing things will be like before. Tapi tanpa impian, mimpi takkan menjadi kenyataan.

I made strawberry chocolate cupcake today. Although the presentation was a bit disaster, my mom said the taste is okay. It is too bad you are not here to taste it.

I know you are happy right now. Even without me. I know I should be too. I am trying.

J.

Day 16

.

J,

"I finally found one criteria of you. You like pink! So you will totally like my present."

"What do you want to name it?"

"It is yours. You should be the one who name it."

"If you said Bunny, then Bunny is the name." :)

(11th May 2009)

That was the first present you gave me. A soft toy. A one eyed pirate pink rabbit. It is very cute. And you sprayed CK Euphoria all over it. It was a little bit too much. Even the wrapper was smelling like you.

Since then I took Bunny wherever I go. Almost everywhere minus the toilet and hospital. I brought it to PPD camp, Slim River, my house, grandma's house, Jakarta. I even start to neglect my other Teddies because of Bunny.

But now I have no more Bunny.

And I miss it.

I really hope it is under a good care.

Happy First Year, Bunny!

Love,

J.

Day 341

.

Dear Syed,

Do you know that I went to your house today?

You were not at home. And I have to do what I have to. With my 2 girlfriends' extraordinary support.

I wish I can see you. But it does not matter. I just want to give back all your stuff. There is no use to keep it. It will only bring back memories into my mind. I want to burn it. But I don't have the heart to do it.

I was scared at first. My 2 girlfriends who knocked your front door. I was quite surprised by them. She even parked in the parking lot behind your Suzuki Swift. Kakak was the one who opened the door. Seeing her friendly face making me more calm. She asked me why I haven't come to your house anymore. I have no answer for it. So i just smiled. She invited me in.

The moment I stepped into the house, all the memories rushing into my mind. The living room where we used to watch television together, the dining table where once I had dinner with your dad, you and Amir and not to forget the kitchen where we had our cupcake baking sessions together.

Kakak let me put the stuff in your room myself. Please don't be mad at her. Your room is still the same. The bed with the same bedsheet I've seen before. You never change the chair. The only thing missing was Blue. I did not see it anywhere. May he is at someplace nice.

I miss being there. At your house. With you.

J.

Day 374

.
Dear Syed,


I watched Dear John today. It is based on a novel written by Nicholas Sparks. The same guy who wrote A Walk To Remember and The Last Song.

It's about a young soldier named John who falls for a college girl, Savannah during his temporary leave at his hometown. Savannah was there for a spring break. They fell in love at first sight. In 2 weeks, they were totally in love with one another. Then, John had to continue his work at another part of the world. They wrote each other letters during the time they were apart. They numbered all the letters. Only letters kept those two lovebirds close. Until something happened. And things did not go the way as planned. Savannah ended up marrying other guy. John remained broken hearted. He burnt all the letters. But he did not know exactly what happen. When he finally reach home after several years, then he learnt the reasons behind Savannah's action. Savannah still keep all the letters John sent her. And unlike the novel, I am glad the movie has a happy ending.

They also have a good soundtracks for the movie. This is one of my favourites. It is called Little House, written and sang by the leading actress herself, Amanda Seyfried.




I love the movie a lot. The letters reminding me of us.

Sadly I do not have any of them anymore.

Have you burnt it all?

Is it still possible for us to have a good happy ending even if it takes years to happen?


Love,
J.

Day 1

.

Dear Syed,

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
Hey, you know this could be something
Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all take my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing.

I remember every looks upon your face
The way you rolled your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
Cause when i close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now you're leaving.


(Two Is Better Than One)

As the song tells, i do remember the first day I saw you. It was afternoon on the last Saturday of April outside your yellow house. You wore blue T-shirt, black pants and grey sneakers.

I never knew that Iyas was going to bring you together to the warehouse sale. He did not mention anything while we were in the car. That was so typical of him.

I was revising the guidelines on how to manage a patient with Ischaemic Heart Disease in the car loudly on our way to your house. But i do not know why the moment you stepped into the car, I was totally lost of words and sounds to make. I kept silent. I was shy. Which was abnormal of me.

You were quiet too. I have a thing for a quiet guy. It is one of the 3 characteristics i am looking in a guy. Most of my close friends know about this. Only a few days later that I found out the reason behind your silence, which was sore throat. You were having sore throat! That was why you talked less. But it did not matter. Because at that point of time, my heart was already bound to you. And nothing could really change it.

At the warehouse sale, we did not get a chance to talk to one another as my girlfriends and I were busy shopping for Crocs while you were spending your time with Iyas doing I do not know what as I noticed both of you bought nothing. I bought my first 2 Crocs there. So, their lifetimes are as long as our relationship. Both of my Crocs are still in a good condition. Unfortunately, it does not work the same for our relationship.

Later on that day, all five of us had lunch at Noodle Station. And we finally talked. It was funny how it started. I was offering my vegetables to everyone on the table as I did not eat veggies. And funnily it stopped at your plate as you seemed willingly to accept the offer. That was the first time I saw you smile. Do you know that you have a beautiful smile. A smile that can really melts my heart. I miss that smile.

I did not know what to call you or address you. I ended up calling you quite harsh on that day, didn't i? It was one of the moment that we will never forget, isn't it. Because you kept bringing up that issue when we finally start dating. Which happened few weeks later.

It started with Facebook messages. Then it led to Yahoo Messenger chat. Later was mobile texting followed by phonecalls. It also started with a Crocs. Remember you are determined to help me to find a pink Crocs that i am so badly craving for. Next, we did group dating few times before I finally felt comfortable to go out with you alone. Iyas and Wani did helped us a lot, don't they?

It was when I went home that day, I remember that Iyas actually had informed earlier that he wanted to introduce his friend to me. Which at that moment, I did not take what he said seriously. Then I finally managed to put the pieces together. Iyas had all of this planned. He wanted to matchmaking us. And I was glad he did it.
I still am.

I wish I can go back to that day. The day I learnt that people can really fall in love at first sight. Because I did.

Do you still feel the same way you did 367 days ago?

I am surely do.

I love you. Very much.

Love,
J.

Day 365

.

A year has passed. It seems my love for you never fades.

Today is entirely spent on bed. I cannot get up at all. I sleep all day since last night. I do not get bath. I skip all the meals. And all the prayers. It is not something i am proud of. I just do not have the drive or energy to do anything.

I do not know who else to blame but myself. If only i was more patient. Then we will never have to go through this. I will never have to go this day without you. If I do not do what I did, you may still be here. I really miss you.

The shittest part is I have sent over Bunny, the cards, the perfume, the T-shirt and everything else. My laptop is still in sick mode. I cannot get through all our photos. I don't have anything except these memories stored in my brain. Which seems will be staying there for a long time. Longer than all the knowledges i learn in medical school.

And i cannot reach you by any means. You deleted me from FB and YM. You changed your phone number. I kind of has predicted all that will happen since the day you deleted that photo album of ours. It is just a matter of time. What's next? Change your name, your address.

I sound like a loser.

I hate today.

I wish I can press rewind, and rewrite every lines.

J.

Day 363

.

Dear Syed,

Currently I am in Penang. Crying on Iyas' sister's bed.

Earliear today, Wani and Iyas were arguing and discussing about us in the car. Wani defended me and Iyas was defending you. Watching they arguing about us remind me back to all had happened. I have been repressing my feelings and thoughts of you for some time since my last visit to your house. I have told myself so many times to hate you.

I said to Iyas you are a bad person. That's why you left me alone. Because I want to believe it that way. It is easier to hate you that way. But he said you're not. And convinced me you have your reasons of your act. Which I hope he never told me that. Because I know it is true. I just do not want to believe it.

Why must he change my mind. Now I am so frustrated as all the memories coming back to me, hijacking my mind. Keep reminding me that it was my fault for what had happened to us.

Why my life has to be so hard?

J.

Day 340

.
Dear Syed,


I got my exam's result today, 31st March 2010. It was good. I passed. After 5 long years, now i am a qualified medical doctor. I really thank those who helped me along the way and those who prayed for me. Including you.

I am sure making my mom, family and friends proud of me. Are you proud of me too?

Later on the same week, I had a celebration with my mom and family at this Malay restaurant which specialized in "Kerabu Kaki Ayam". I did not eat it but the other family members seem to love it. I also had a dinner together with some of my close coursemates at Flaming. It was our last dinner together. I am absolutely will miss all of them dearly. And i also had this small celebration with my ex schoolmates at Chilis KLCC. One of my girlfriends made this cute cupcakes written my name on them with the title Dr in front of it. It was sweet. Our table was next to the window. And i could saw this 2 tall buildings clearly from my seat. ExxonMobil and Trader's Hotel.

Why you did not reply any of my messages on asking you to have dinner with me?


I wish for you to be in every moments of my life.


But maybe that is just too much to ask for.


Love,
J.

Day 373

.

Dear Syed,

I cooked fried rice today. I wish you can taste it. It is delicious. I think it is.

I always like the taste of foods cooked at home. That was why I insisted you cook for me in one of our date instead of having breakfast at restaurant. Eventhough it was just a simple burger, it did make me happy because I know you cook it with love. And i can feel it through the taste of the food. I like Kakak's cooking too. I just cannot understand why do you like to eat outside when Kakak has prepared the foods for you. You can save up much money by eating at home, you know.

I want to bake cupcakes too. But I have no one to eat it. I wish I can make it for you. Will you be happy if i make some for you? Or will you be mad like always?

I have lots of chocolate I bought in Langkawi. But I have no one to eat it with too. This house feels empty even with people in it. I somehow have stop communicating with people in the house. I spent all day being with myself. And the memories of you.

Anyway, I am trying to learn how to cook lately. Pray for me!

J.

Day 342

.

Dear Syed,

I received this msg earlier today. It was long but i cut it short, straight to the point.

You have 0% chances to get him back. -Iyas

The minute I read it, my tears kept rolling down my cheek. I instantly packed all your belongings in a bag. The cards that you gave me when you went away, when you felt sorry, when you felt touched by whatever I did, the two soft toys Bunny and Reddie, the water bottle that you bought for me because I don't drink enough at hospital, the mug you gave for our first month anniversary, the CD that contains all the photos of us spending time at Petrosains and Aquaria, your T-shirts which are supposed to keep me company when we were apart and other small stuffs that you gave when we were together. When you still love me.

I packed almost everything except that handphone you gave me on my birthday. I love that phone and not ready to part with it yet. I gave back that phone to you before but you refused to take it. Now i have attached to it. I don't think I will ever give it away. Plus i don't have much money like you to buy another phone.

I also wrote you my last letter. I know the contain was kinda harsh. But I have to do it. I have to force myself to hate you. Because you do not love me anymore. If you do, you would have accept my mistakes and apology. You should have accept me the way I am. But you don't. You are harsh to me. You called me things. You cursed. I do not know why did I love a guy like you. I was blind. And still blind.

Honestly I really wish for things to be different. If only you would forgive me. If only we can be together again. I know we'll be happier.

I only have this 2 months left to concentrate on nothing but you. To fulfill your every needs. I am ready to do anything. If you want me to change, I will change. You can have all of me. All of my time. My attention. Everything. And now the time is running out. I don't think I can offer the same thing after that duration.

I wish I can make you happy. And prove to you and myself that I can be different. A better person.

But your ego is high up the sky that you just don't give a damn about it. You never think of me.

Because of that, I really have to get rid of everything that reminds me of you. And force myself to hate you.

I hate to hate you.

J.

Day 326

.
Dear Syed,


I am having a tough week. I am stressed with all these exam papers. And all i can think of is you. But sadly you never did reply any of my messages. It really pushed my emotion down the hill. I cried a lot for these past few days. I know i should not. But I cannot help myself.

I need you.

I cannot stand your ignorance. It drives me crazy. It turns me into this bitch who keeps messaging you continuosly. I hate that person. And i know you hate her too.

But it is okay,

I will be fine. I have God. He will definitely help. I know He will.


J.

Day 324

.
(An hour before.)


My phone beeps. It was one of those FB alerts.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

14 March 2010 23:18

Facebook msg from SAK

Good luck. My prayers with you.
There's nothing to be talked about anymore.

Reply to msg Syed back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did i just make a wrong decision by texting him?

Maybe.

*sigh*

But at least he replied and pray for me. That's what matter most.

*right?*

I continued reading my books.

Day 323

.
Dear Syed,


My exam starts tomorrow. I wanted to message you. But i do not know what to say. And i am afraid of the consequences. I am afraid that it may affect my emotion during exam week.

But honey, i am scared and nervous about the exam. I wish you would be here with me to calm me down and say all the soothing words you used to say.

I have to be strong and independent. I know. But. I still need you.


I will be doing okay, kan?

You are praying for me, kan?

Everything will be great.

Right?

Love,
J.

Day 316

.
Dear Syed,

Yesterday i went through all our photos and the messages on Skype because I miss you. I thought it will makes me feel better. But it does not. I ended up with an enormous feelings of loneliness which lead me to skipping study group discussion.

I wonder when will it be over..

Now in the place where it used to be filled with love,
in the deepest part of my heart,
there is an empty space with a tinge of hurt.


J.

Day 315 and 3/4

.
Dear Syed,

I am stressed out. I want to watch movie. I want to watch it with you. I want to sit on the couple seat. I want to cover us both with the blanket. I want to hold your hand. I want to put my head on your shoulder. I want to look at you from the side while you are watching the movie.


Would you please ask me out?


Me,
J.

Day 315

.

Dear Syed,

I have been an insomniac lately. And I do not like it. Because the longer the time it takes for me to enter the dreamyland, the longer the time i will spend thinking of you. Then, I will ended up being angry with myself for missing you.

I even sprayed some pleasant smells on my bed and turned off all the lights to help me to go to sleep. But somehow it doesn't make me feel any difference than the day before.

Should I start considering hypnotic medication?

Hm.

It's already 1.23 pm. I should go back to sleep. I am going to have revision class with my professor at 9.00 a.m tomorrow. Maybe i should try to count the flowers on my pants.

Goodnite.


J.

Day 84

.

J,

Hello. I'm sorry. Forgive me for being such a moody bum today. I love you for always. I just miss you too much. Hope you feel the same way too...


Yours,
Aliq
17/7/09

I forgive you, always.

Why can't you do the same?

Day 57

.

SH,

Here's my t-shirt i promised to give you...Take good care of it and do remember me whenever you wear it okie? :)

Take good care of yourself. Don't get hurt, don't be stressed, be a good girl, be a good student, behave yourself, be strong, be cheerful.

Jangan tinggal solat and solat awal waktu k?

Sayang...I love you...

Sayang...I'm gonna miss you...

Take care ~

1436


Yours,
SAK
21/6/09

**********************************************************

You gave me the first shirt when i went to Slim River last year in June. I still keep all your shirts. I do not know what to do with it. Still, i do not feel like giving it back to you.

Not yet.

Hm..

J.

Day 310

.
Dear Syed,


It has been winter since October last year.

Don't you feel like changing the season of your heart to spring or summer?



Love,
J.

Day 308

.
Dear Syed,


Today, my university held a solat hajat for the final year students at nearby mosque. Parents were invited. Many parents came. Some friends even brought their boyfriends.

I cannot help thinking if we were still together, you must have come for me.

I really wish you would come today.

Because none of my parents came.

It hurts.


My life sucks without you, don't you know that?

You know, but you are too ignorant to care.

You choose to be ignorant.

It hurts.


I am hurt.



J.

Day 77

.
Assalamualaikum w.b.t SH

Ade budak comot tgh sedaya upaya abiskan fries dpn i skrg ni :p pada pukul 10.50 p.m. Hehe.. FYI, sometimes I ni cpt marah...tp I x pernah marah kat awk.. I feel good coz of that fact. Sbb tu I syg kt awk.. Somehow u made me a better person. I slalu sgt marah2 since stressed and depressed dulu... Tp skrg, I lebih penyabar... Hehe you must be wondering nape I bebel2 sume ni... These luahan hati serve as a way for me to show my appreciation and also to make you realize how special of a person you are :)

I suke spend time dgn awk :p I wish I have all the time in this world to spend with you...

Dun ask me why, but I'll keep cherishing you while I still have the chance...

Love you sayang...

Yours,
SAK
11/7/09

You wrote this in my pink notebook when we were having supper at McDonald.

Remember?

Day 304

.
Dear Syed,

It was raining heavily today when Iffah and I decided to go out to JJ. Since i have few umbrellas that i had never use before, i decided to use it today although the hostel and the parking lot is only few metres in distance. I used the blue polka dot umbrella, the one my Japanese friend bought for me. And i lend Iffah my purple umbrella which i never thought i have. The moment she opened it, my mind twirled around thinking where the hell this umbrella comes from because i was not aware of its existence. It was new and never been opened. It has this cute design of flowery pattern at the margin.

Then suddenly your face came into mind. And Slim River. There was this one time when u came to visit me and you brought some stuff with you, like foods, hangers, slippers etc, to make sure i feel comfortable living there. One of the things that you bought for me was this dark purple umbrella because Slim River was hot at that time. Funnily, i never used that umbrella. That is why i have no memory of a beautiful dark purple umbrella with pinkish flowery images stored in my brain.

The next thing i know i started to re-missing you. See, I cannot stand being mad at you. Even for a day. But it has been months you stay being mad at me.

Why is that sayang? Did I make a very big overzelaous sinful mistake to you that makes it hard for you to forgive me and forget about it? Of course you said you forgive me but instead of forget it, you decided to forget me.

It feels weird. One time i feel so close to you that i believe we breathe in the same composition of air. Now, i feel like a stranger to you. 10 years from now, you may even forget my name.

It sounds sad. Don't you think so?

It is not fine but it is okay. You can do whatever you want. I don't want to be that little girl you hate who thinks she can have anything she wants in life by manipulating people's emotion. That is what I understand about Crying Lightning.

I had a bad day today and i feel so tired.

Goodnight.


Love,
J.

Day 303

.
Syed,

Crying Lighting refers to me, isnt it? Is that really how u think of me? If it is true, then it is just sad.

Because we have tonnes of great memories together, but still at the end that is how you remember me.

It felt worst knowing the fact that my feelings for you will never fade. No matter how bad i want to hate.

My heart hurts.

For loving and hating you at the same time.


J.

Day 298

.
Dear Syed,


It was Azyan's birthday today. Her boyfriend planned a surprise birthday party for her. We helped a little by picking up the cake, set up the place, search for the party packs, etc.

My mouth is aching from blowing all the balloons. When i said all, i mean ALL. Ok fine, Wani helped blow one balloon halfway and Alia blew one which she accidentally burst it out later.

It was a typical surprise birthday celebration yet it was still fun. Azyan's boyfriend blindfolded her and we sang the birthday song. Then she loosened up the blindfold, we yelled surprise. She almost had a tear in her eye. She cut the cake which followed by massive photo sessions.

It went beautiful until the part where all of us sat and eat our food.

There in front of me i saw Azy was totally in love with Cakoi.
She was absolutely clueless on Cakoi's surprise plan. And Cakoi was one of the sweetest boyfriend i ever know.

When i turned to my left, there was Hannah and his soon to be fiance, Fahmi.
They are the most adorable couple i have ever met. Can you believe they never had any major fight for all this 3 years they are together. Not a single. Seriously. They look all lovey dovey as if they just met a month ago.

And on my right was Hasni and Abg Sedara.
Like always, they look good together.

Out of sudden, Abg Sedara turned to me and asked what's wrong because i have been gloomy since the time we sat on the table.

That was when the tears that i have been holding up since the moment Azy opened up her gift from Cakoi, flew down my cheek uncontrollably.

It was because seeing the girls being contented and happy with their boyfriends reminding me of you. Reminding me on how i felt contented when i was under your care. Reminding me on how I have been missing you so much this past couple of days. I have been suppressed the feelings and compensated it with books and preparation for exam.

Tonight i realised that i have made a mistake when i chose to come to the party instead of study for Ophtalmology. Tomorrow i am scheduled to go to Ophthalmology clinic.But judging from the condition of my red and swollen eyes, I am not sure how am i going to look into the patient's eye using ophthalmoscope and assessing it tomorrow.

I wish i am strong.

Like you.

But i am not.

And i need to learn how to adapt with it.


Pray for my recovery, will you?




Missing you much,
J.

Day 294

.
Dear Syed,

Today is my last day of being a medical student. The final day in the final year. The memory that i remembered the most as fifth year medical student was,

I was a girlfriend.

and You were my boyfriend.

I know i never tell you this, but you are my first boyfriend. The first guy i ever addressed as my boyfriend. The guy i thought i would end up marrying to. Now all of that has become a memory. There is no more you in my life.

Reality sucks.

With hope,
J.

Day 292

.
Dear Syed,


How are you?

I hope things are well for you.

May you already adapting to the work stress.

Today i am kind of freak out.

There are so many things i need to read and understand before the professional exam arrives.

Yet there is only minimal time left.

Wards will be closed for medical student in 2 weeks time.

And prior that day i need to master all the clinical examinations , from head to toe.

The stress is just so overwhelming.


But,

the good part is i have my study partners who will help me to get through this.

and i can busy myself with study, so that i will think less of you.

now i can see the hidden plan of God why He decided for the break up to happen few months ago.

He want me to have full concentration on exam.

He love me.


Still,

I want you to know i will never forget you.

You are like the oxygen in my blood.

You cannot see it.

You cannot feel it.

But, you know it is there.

Always.


You are still the one person that comes to my mind when i wake up early morning.

And the only person i think of before i close my eyes at night.

You are always here with me.

In my mind.

In my memories.

In my dreams.


I pray may everything will be alright.

For me.

For you.

For us.


Happy Eleventh.. :)



Loving you everyday,
J.

Day 99

.

The day we had our first cupcake baking session together. It was my first attempt of baking cupcakes. And our first attempt of baking together.

Remember we did the preparations like weeks before the actual day? We bought the oven because none of us have it. And then u bought for me the cupcake set from MPH. The one i like so much because it is pink! You also bought the spatula, the measurement cup, the cupcake cups. Then we went hunting for the ingredients. We bought flour, sugar, eggs, milk. The stuff for the toppings. And you had to stop me from buying too much decorations and colouring liquids.

I love shopping for groceries with you. I like the scene of you pushing the trolley and i put in the stuff into the trolley. I felt like a married couple. :)

The venue for the baking session was your home sweet home's kitchen. Your parents were so cool about the idea of me coming over to bake. And i remember joking about i might become your stepmother because your father is one handsome guy. Your mum was not around at that time if i am not mistaken. That was the first time i met your little brother, Amir. He was such an adorable boy. So inquisitive. And also not to forget your maid, Kakak. She was nice.

We had so much fun on that day kan?

The measurements for all the ingredients just drove me insane. Luckily, i have you. My calculator minded man. First few attempts of baking were failed. The cupcakes were so slimy and abnormal looking. But after few tries with higher cooking temperature and longer cooking time, the cupcakes were blooming and smell good. Then for the topping we used my favourite colour and you helped me decorate the cupcakes.

Although the outcome was not as beautiful as we expected, all the cupcakes still look nice. And the taste was not so horrible for a first timer. All my friends did compliment the tastefulness of the cupcakes when i gave them during college dinner on that night. We did make a great team together, kan?

It was one of lovely memories of us that i will never forget. And it was the beginning of more episodes of happy baking session.

Until we broke up.


Today, i had my first cupcake baking session without you. It was still a fun process. But not quite the same as when i was with you.

I wish you were there in the picture.

I wish it was you who make the ingredient's calculation.

I wish it was you who helped me stir the mixture.

I wish it was you who set up the oven.

I wish it was us together who did the topping's decorations.

I wish for you.

To be in every moments of my life.


Will my wishes ever come true?