Day 556

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Dear Syed,

I've never been this cold.

Never been this ignorant.

Somehow i am glad this way now.

It makes me impervious to emotional attacks.

Stop me from being too sensitive.

Sounds too familiar, isn't it.

J.

Day 546

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Dear God,

Can i die today?

I want to die.

I want to rest in peace.

J.

Day 531

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Syed,

I just could not believe it. You brought her. To my convocation.

I have been trying to accept the fact you are seeing someone since the day i found out about it. But seriously do you really need to show your affection towards your girlfriend today at MY graduation day. My family was there. My friends were there. Does it ever comes to your mind the idea that i have feelings?

Knowing the fact that you finally meet someone to replace me is one thing. When you know i waited for you. When you are fully aware the reasons of it. To see you two together in front of my face is another big thing. You knew how it felt when Azura left you for someone else. So you should know how my feelings would be seeing you holding her hands.

I can totally accept it that you were coming for Iyas. But is it a necessity to bring your girlfriend when she has nothing to do with Iyas and you knew I was going to be there, considering me and Iyas were coursemates. I know you have life. She has her life. And you both can do whatever you want with your life. But i too have my own. That is my graduation day. Not yours. Not hers. It is suppose to be one of the greatest memory of my life. Could not you be more considerate thinking of that fact. Now whenever people asking me about my graduation. All that play in my mind is, "Great. My ex came with his new girlfriend. Walking hand in hand in front of my family and friends."

Don't worry . I have let you go the moment i saw what a jackass you have become. Seeing you with her really hits me. Knowing the fact that you once held my hands, and then seeing you there holding hers made me feel so stupid to even let you touching me at the first place. I should not have let you into my life and lie about love. Soon, I will became nothing more than a fading memory to you. It reminds me to all the things that my professor once advised me. All of it are true. I should have listen to her instead of arguing with her and continue to trust all your words.

Now it is not the part of losing you that hurt me so much. But the fact of me being stupid to actually believe in you, your words, your so called love. It is true when they said why should you believe when there is lie hidden inside the word.

I hope u will never forget the fact that i am a human. A girl. A girl that you ignored for months. Do you think I deserve all of this? I wish i can be happy for you. But how am i going to do that when you do not even think about my happiness.

J.

Day 511

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Syed,

Is he seeing someone now?

Yes he is. But if you ask who, I have no idea.

Do you hold her hands like you held mine?

Do you rub her cheeks when she smiles?

Do you kiss her hand while you are driving?

Do you rub her tummy when she feels sleepy?

Did you had dinner with her every night?

Do you bring her watching movie at GSC Signature, Gardens?

Do you enjoy taking her photos?

Is your phone full of her pictures?

Do you write her cards for every day you are not with her?

Does she also get a bunny?

Have you brought her home?

Have you introduce her to everyone?

Has Amir meets her?

Do you let her call you Aliq?

Do you bake cupcakes together?

What did you gave her, a necklace? Cuz you gave Azura a ring, and I got a bracelet.

Have you met his family?

Have you promise her that your love will be forever and you will marry her?

Have you tell her that you will never ever love anyone else after her?

Have you promise her mother that you will take a good care of her?

You are creating a new memory. And mine will soon fades away. 10 years from now i am not sure if you will still remember me.

I think i always will.

Because you are the only guy i did all of that with.

J.

Day 427

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I think God don't love me.

That's why i have a hard life.

That's why i stop praying.

Day 85

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One of those days when i feel down.

July 19, 2009.

Syed:

Baby...stay strong k? :)

And i will always be here to lend you my strength..Don't you worry :)

Don't give up! Life's like that. It's full of challenges, it's frustrating, it's miserable to live in, but what's left is for us to make a good outcome out of it right? ;)

I love you, sayang...Loving you more each day.

I don't know why do I miss you even when we meet every single day.

Nak kahwin kot :p

Thank you for always be there for me.

I wish you are still there for me.

Like always.

Like you once said you would to.

Day 395 and1/2

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Dear Syed,

I found an idea how to get over you. It is called as Attention Diversion.

I think you are fully aware of this theory as you are practising it right now. You divert all your energy to your work and Angel. So your mind will not have any space left to think of me which usually your brain will involuntary does.

Sadly I will not be working until end of next month. So i do not have a busy working life at the moment to help me divert my attention. I have to use another technique which is called Thought Block. Right now, i am thinking of what to do with my salary. I love to think about money. It is the second thing that makes me happy, after you. What am I going to buy and where I am going to go. It also has Visualisation technique. Impressive. 2 theories in 1.

I better stop before I sounded more crazy. But it is better to be like this than weeping over you for days when you do not even think of me.

Hu hee~

God, please please please help me to be strong.

J.

Day 391

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Dear Syed,

I cried again tonight. I am starting to hate myself for that. I was thinking about life. My life. How it would be if I destroy you and all the memories. If there is no existence of you in my life. How would my life be. All i can see in my mind was a dark night with a dim light in one corner. It would be dull. Sad. Boring. Nothing.

At this moment, only the memories of us give me happiness. Everyone kept talking, advising and telling me to forget you. I dont know how to do that, when it is the only thing that can make a smile formed on my face.

I cried hard thinking about it. I had to control the sounds of the cry at the lowest volume so my family would not hear it. I cried like the day when you were so mad at me. The only thing that somehow calm me down tonight was the spectacular view of the city. Living on the tenth floor really gives you the opportunity to see how Kuala Lumpur looks like during nightime. It never sleep.

But i should get to sleep. My eyes hurt. Hope it will get better by tomorrow. May Shrek helps me to have a good day tomorrow.

Good nite.

May you have a beautiful dream.

J.

Day 386

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Dear Syed,

Today I asked my mom to teach me how to make chicken rice. I watched every steps. But i did not write down anything. I hope I will manage to remember it all using photographic memory which I hope I have. :)

I watched the final badminton match for Thomas cup. Lin Dan is quite a hot guy. Too bad he did not play for Malaysia.

I just put up the music playlist in the blog. I love the songs. Especially the track no 1. The Nanometer sounds good too. They are written and sang by Wani Ardy.

Hmm...

How is your day today?

J.

Day 341

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Dear Syed,

Do you know that I went to your house today?

You were not at home. And I have to do what I have to. With my 2 girlfriends' extraordinary support.

I wish I can see you. But it does not matter. I just want to give back all your stuff. There is no use to keep it. It will only bring back memories into my mind. I want to burn it. But I don't have the heart to do it.

I was scared at first. My 2 girlfriends who knocked your front door. I was quite surprised by them. She even parked in the parking lot behind your Suzuki Swift. Kakak was the one who opened the door. Seeing her friendly face making me more calm. She asked me why I haven't come to your house anymore. I have no answer for it. So i just smiled. She invited me in.

The moment I stepped into the house, all the memories rushing into my mind. The living room where we used to watch television together, the dining table where once I had dinner with your dad, you and Amir and not to forget the kitchen where we had our cupcake baking sessions together.

Kakak let me put the stuff in your room myself. Please don't be mad at her. Your room is still the same. The bed with the same bedsheet I've seen before. You never change the chair. The only thing missing was Blue. I did not see it anywhere. May he is at someplace nice.

I miss being there. At your house. With you.

J.

Day 365

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A year has passed. It seems my love for you never fades.

Today is entirely spent on bed. I cannot get up at all. I sleep all day since last night. I do not get bath. I skip all the meals. And all the prayers. It is not something i am proud of. I just do not have the drive or energy to do anything.

I do not know who else to blame but myself. If only i was more patient. Then we will never have to go through this. I will never have to go this day without you. If I do not do what I did, you may still be here. I really miss you.

The shittest part is I have sent over Bunny, the cards, the perfume, the T-shirt and everything else. My laptop is still in sick mode. I cannot get through all our photos. I don't have anything except these memories stored in my brain. Which seems will be staying there for a long time. Longer than all the knowledges i learn in medical school.

And i cannot reach you by any means. You deleted me from FB and YM. You changed your phone number. I kind of has predicted all that will happen since the day you deleted that photo album of ours. It is just a matter of time. What's next? Change your name, your address.

I sound like a loser.

I hate today.

I wish I can press rewind, and rewrite every lines.

J.

Day 342

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Dear Syed,

I received this msg earlier today. It was long but i cut it short, straight to the point.

You have 0% chances to get him back. -Iyas

The minute I read it, my tears kept rolling down my cheek. I instantly packed all your belongings in a bag. The cards that you gave me when you went away, when you felt sorry, when you felt touched by whatever I did, the two soft toys Bunny and Reddie, the water bottle that you bought for me because I don't drink enough at hospital, the mug you gave for our first month anniversary, the CD that contains all the photos of us spending time at Petrosains and Aquaria, your T-shirts which are supposed to keep me company when we were apart and other small stuffs that you gave when we were together. When you still love me.

I packed almost everything except that handphone you gave me on my birthday. I love that phone and not ready to part with it yet. I gave back that phone to you before but you refused to take it. Now i have attached to it. I don't think I will ever give it away. Plus i don't have much money like you to buy another phone.

I also wrote you my last letter. I know the contain was kinda harsh. But I have to do it. I have to force myself to hate you. Because you do not love me anymore. If you do, you would have accept my mistakes and apology. You should have accept me the way I am. But you don't. You are harsh to me. You called me things. You cursed. I do not know why did I love a guy like you. I was blind. And still blind.

Honestly I really wish for things to be different. If only you would forgive me. If only we can be together again. I know we'll be happier.

I only have this 2 months left to concentrate on nothing but you. To fulfill your every needs. I am ready to do anything. If you want me to change, I will change. You can have all of me. All of my time. My attention. Everything. And now the time is running out. I don't think I can offer the same thing after that duration.

I wish I can make you happy. And prove to you and myself that I can be different. A better person.

But your ego is high up the sky that you just don't give a damn about it. You never think of me.

Because of that, I really have to get rid of everything that reminds me of you. And force myself to hate you.

I hate to hate you.

J.

Day 324

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(An hour before.)


My phone beeps. It was one of those FB alerts.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

14 March 2010 23:18

Facebook msg from SAK

Good luck. My prayers with you.
There's nothing to be talked about anymore.

Reply to msg Syed back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did i just make a wrong decision by texting him?

Maybe.

*sigh*

But at least he replied and pray for me. That's what matter most.

*right?*

I continued reading my books.

Day 315

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Dear Syed,

I have been an insomniac lately. And I do not like it. Because the longer the time it takes for me to enter the dreamyland, the longer the time i will spend thinking of you. Then, I will ended up being angry with myself for missing you.

I even sprayed some pleasant smells on my bed and turned off all the lights to help me to go to sleep. But somehow it doesn't make me feel any difference than the day before.

Should I start considering hypnotic medication?

Hm.

It's already 1.23 pm. I should go back to sleep. I am going to have revision class with my professor at 9.00 a.m tomorrow. Maybe i should try to count the flowers on my pants.

Goodnite.


J.

Day 308

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Dear Syed,


Today, my university held a solat hajat for the final year students at nearby mosque. Parents were invited. Many parents came. Some friends even brought their boyfriends.

I cannot help thinking if we were still together, you must have come for me.

I really wish you would come today.

Because none of my parents came.

It hurts.


My life sucks without you, don't you know that?

You know, but you are too ignorant to care.

You choose to be ignorant.

It hurts.


I am hurt.



J.

Day 304

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Dear Syed,

It was raining heavily today when Iffah and I decided to go out to JJ. Since i have few umbrellas that i had never use before, i decided to use it today although the hostel and the parking lot is only few metres in distance. I used the blue polka dot umbrella, the one my Japanese friend bought for me. And i lend Iffah my purple umbrella which i never thought i have. The moment she opened it, my mind twirled around thinking where the hell this umbrella comes from because i was not aware of its existence. It was new and never been opened. It has this cute design of flowery pattern at the margin.

Then suddenly your face came into mind. And Slim River. There was this one time when u came to visit me and you brought some stuff with you, like foods, hangers, slippers etc, to make sure i feel comfortable living there. One of the things that you bought for me was this dark purple umbrella because Slim River was hot at that time. Funnily, i never used that umbrella. That is why i have no memory of a beautiful dark purple umbrella with pinkish flowery images stored in my brain.

The next thing i know i started to re-missing you. See, I cannot stand being mad at you. Even for a day. But it has been months you stay being mad at me.

Why is that sayang? Did I make a very big overzelaous sinful mistake to you that makes it hard for you to forgive me and forget about it? Of course you said you forgive me but instead of forget it, you decided to forget me.

It feels weird. One time i feel so close to you that i believe we breathe in the same composition of air. Now, i feel like a stranger to you. 10 years from now, you may even forget my name.

It sounds sad. Don't you think so?

It is not fine but it is okay. You can do whatever you want. I don't want to be that little girl you hate who thinks she can have anything she wants in life by manipulating people's emotion. That is what I understand about Crying Lightning.

I had a bad day today and i feel so tired.

Goodnight.


Love,
J.

Day 298

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Dear Syed,


It was Azyan's birthday today. Her boyfriend planned a surprise birthday party for her. We helped a little by picking up the cake, set up the place, search for the party packs, etc.

My mouth is aching from blowing all the balloons. When i said all, i mean ALL. Ok fine, Wani helped blow one balloon halfway and Alia blew one which she accidentally burst it out later.

It was a typical surprise birthday celebration yet it was still fun. Azyan's boyfriend blindfolded her and we sang the birthday song. Then she loosened up the blindfold, we yelled surprise. She almost had a tear in her eye. She cut the cake which followed by massive photo sessions.

It went beautiful until the part where all of us sat and eat our food.

There in front of me i saw Azy was totally in love with Cakoi.
She was absolutely clueless on Cakoi's surprise plan. And Cakoi was one of the sweetest boyfriend i ever know.

When i turned to my left, there was Hannah and his soon to be fiance, Fahmi.
They are the most adorable couple i have ever met. Can you believe they never had any major fight for all this 3 years they are together. Not a single. Seriously. They look all lovey dovey as if they just met a month ago.

And on my right was Hasni and Abg Sedara.
Like always, they look good together.

Out of sudden, Abg Sedara turned to me and asked what's wrong because i have been gloomy since the time we sat on the table.

That was when the tears that i have been holding up since the moment Azy opened up her gift from Cakoi, flew down my cheek uncontrollably.

It was because seeing the girls being contented and happy with their boyfriends reminding me of you. Reminding me on how i felt contented when i was under your care. Reminding me on how I have been missing you so much this past couple of days. I have been suppressed the feelings and compensated it with books and preparation for exam.

Tonight i realised that i have made a mistake when i chose to come to the party instead of study for Ophtalmology. Tomorrow i am scheduled to go to Ophthalmology clinic.But judging from the condition of my red and swollen eyes, I am not sure how am i going to look into the patient's eye using ophthalmoscope and assessing it tomorrow.

I wish i am strong.

Like you.

But i am not.

And i need to learn how to adapt with it.


Pray for my recovery, will you?




Missing you much,
J.

Day 294

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Dear Syed,

Today is my last day of being a medical student. The final day in the final year. The memory that i remembered the most as fifth year medical student was,

I was a girlfriend.

and You were my boyfriend.

I know i never tell you this, but you are my first boyfriend. The first guy i ever addressed as my boyfriend. The guy i thought i would end up marrying to. Now all of that has become a memory. There is no more you in my life.

Reality sucks.

With hope,
J.

Day 286

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Dear Syed,


today something bad happenned.

no wonder i had butterflies flying around in my stomach all evening.

i did something terrible.

felt like i have turn into a monster.

an ugly evil monster.

i am so mad and ashamed with myself.

i hate myself.

i hate for being so stupid emotionless bad person.

i hurt many people lately.

and today it hits me.

right on my face.

i am a jerk.

a 2 faced bitch.


Syed,

i need to escape from all of this mess.

i need you.

because you are my escape.

you always were.

why did you stop being my precious escape?

why cant u stay?

i need you.


Love,
J.