Day 1

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Dear Syed,

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
Hey, you know this could be something
Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all take my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing.

I remember every looks upon your face
The way you rolled your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
Cause when i close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now you're leaving.


(Two Is Better Than One)

As the song tells, i do remember the first day I saw you. It was afternoon on the last Saturday of April outside your yellow house. You wore blue T-shirt, black pants and grey sneakers.

I never knew that Iyas was going to bring you together to the warehouse sale. He did not mention anything while we were in the car. That was so typical of him.

I was revising the guidelines on how to manage a patient with Ischaemic Heart Disease in the car loudly on our way to your house. But i do not know why the moment you stepped into the car, I was totally lost of words and sounds to make. I kept silent. I was shy. Which was abnormal of me.

You were quiet too. I have a thing for a quiet guy. It is one of the 3 characteristics i am looking in a guy. Most of my close friends know about this. Only a few days later that I found out the reason behind your silence, which was sore throat. You were having sore throat! That was why you talked less. But it did not matter. Because at that point of time, my heart was already bound to you. And nothing could really change it.

At the warehouse sale, we did not get a chance to talk to one another as my girlfriends and I were busy shopping for Crocs while you were spending your time with Iyas doing I do not know what as I noticed both of you bought nothing. I bought my first 2 Crocs there. So, their lifetimes are as long as our relationship. Both of my Crocs are still in a good condition. Unfortunately, it does not work the same for our relationship.

Later on that day, all five of us had lunch at Noodle Station. And we finally talked. It was funny how it started. I was offering my vegetables to everyone on the table as I did not eat veggies. And funnily it stopped at your plate as you seemed willingly to accept the offer. That was the first time I saw you smile. Do you know that you have a beautiful smile. A smile that can really melts my heart. I miss that smile.

I did not know what to call you or address you. I ended up calling you quite harsh on that day, didn't i? It was one of the moment that we will never forget, isn't it. Because you kept bringing up that issue when we finally start dating. Which happened few weeks later.

It started with Facebook messages. Then it led to Yahoo Messenger chat. Later was mobile texting followed by phonecalls. It also started with a Crocs. Remember you are determined to help me to find a pink Crocs that i am so badly craving for. Next, we did group dating few times before I finally felt comfortable to go out with you alone. Iyas and Wani did helped us a lot, don't they?

It was when I went home that day, I remember that Iyas actually had informed earlier that he wanted to introduce his friend to me. Which at that moment, I did not take what he said seriously. Then I finally managed to put the pieces together. Iyas had all of this planned. He wanted to matchmaking us. And I was glad he did it.
I still am.

I wish I can go back to that day. The day I learnt that people can really fall in love at first sight. Because I did.

Do you still feel the same way you did 367 days ago?

I am surely do.

I love you. Very much.

Love,
J.

Day 365

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A year has passed. It seems my love for you never fades.

Today is entirely spent on bed. I cannot get up at all. I sleep all day since last night. I do not get bath. I skip all the meals. And all the prayers. It is not something i am proud of. I just do not have the drive or energy to do anything.

I do not know who else to blame but myself. If only i was more patient. Then we will never have to go through this. I will never have to go this day without you. If I do not do what I did, you may still be here. I really miss you.

The shittest part is I have sent over Bunny, the cards, the perfume, the T-shirt and everything else. My laptop is still in sick mode. I cannot get through all our photos. I don't have anything except these memories stored in my brain. Which seems will be staying there for a long time. Longer than all the knowledges i learn in medical school.

And i cannot reach you by any means. You deleted me from FB and YM. You changed your phone number. I kind of has predicted all that will happen since the day you deleted that photo album of ours. It is just a matter of time. What's next? Change your name, your address.

I sound like a loser.

I hate today.

I wish I can press rewind, and rewrite every lines.

J.

Day 363

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Dear Syed,

Currently I am in Penang. Crying on Iyas' sister's bed.

Earliear today, Wani and Iyas were arguing and discussing about us in the car. Wani defended me and Iyas was defending you. Watching they arguing about us remind me back to all had happened. I have been repressing my feelings and thoughts of you for some time since my last visit to your house. I have told myself so many times to hate you.

I said to Iyas you are a bad person. That's why you left me alone. Because I want to believe it that way. It is easier to hate you that way. But he said you're not. And convinced me you have your reasons of your act. Which I hope he never told me that. Because I know it is true. I just do not want to believe it.

Why must he change my mind. Now I am so frustrated as all the memories coming back to me, hijacking my mind. Keep reminding me that it was my fault for what had happened to us.

Why my life has to be so hard?

J.

Day 340

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Dear Syed,


I got my exam's result today, 31st March 2010. It was good. I passed. After 5 long years, now i am a qualified medical doctor. I really thank those who helped me along the way and those who prayed for me. Including you.

I am sure making my mom, family and friends proud of me. Are you proud of me too?

Later on the same week, I had a celebration with my mom and family at this Malay restaurant which specialized in "Kerabu Kaki Ayam". I did not eat it but the other family members seem to love it. I also had a dinner together with some of my close coursemates at Flaming. It was our last dinner together. I am absolutely will miss all of them dearly. And i also had this small celebration with my ex schoolmates at Chilis KLCC. One of my girlfriends made this cute cupcakes written my name on them with the title Dr in front of it. It was sweet. Our table was next to the window. And i could saw this 2 tall buildings clearly from my seat. ExxonMobil and Trader's Hotel.

Why you did not reply any of my messages on asking you to have dinner with me?


I wish for you to be in every moments of my life.


But maybe that is just too much to ask for.


Love,
J.

Day 373

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Dear Syed,

I cooked fried rice today. I wish you can taste it. It is delicious. I think it is.

I always like the taste of foods cooked at home. That was why I insisted you cook for me in one of our date instead of having breakfast at restaurant. Eventhough it was just a simple burger, it did make me happy because I know you cook it with love. And i can feel it through the taste of the food. I like Kakak's cooking too. I just cannot understand why do you like to eat outside when Kakak has prepared the foods for you. You can save up much money by eating at home, you know.

I want to bake cupcakes too. But I have no one to eat it. I wish I can make it for you. Will you be happy if i make some for you? Or will you be mad like always?

I have lots of chocolate I bought in Langkawi. But I have no one to eat it with too. This house feels empty even with people in it. I somehow have stop communicating with people in the house. I spent all day being with myself. And the memories of you.

Anyway, I am trying to learn how to cook lately. Pray for me!

J.

Day 342

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Dear Syed,

I received this msg earlier today. It was long but i cut it short, straight to the point.

You have 0% chances to get him back. -Iyas

The minute I read it, my tears kept rolling down my cheek. I instantly packed all your belongings in a bag. The cards that you gave me when you went away, when you felt sorry, when you felt touched by whatever I did, the two soft toys Bunny and Reddie, the water bottle that you bought for me because I don't drink enough at hospital, the mug you gave for our first month anniversary, the CD that contains all the photos of us spending time at Petrosains and Aquaria, your T-shirts which are supposed to keep me company when we were apart and other small stuffs that you gave when we were together. When you still love me.

I packed almost everything except that handphone you gave me on my birthday. I love that phone and not ready to part with it yet. I gave back that phone to you before but you refused to take it. Now i have attached to it. I don't think I will ever give it away. Plus i don't have much money like you to buy another phone.

I also wrote you my last letter. I know the contain was kinda harsh. But I have to do it. I have to force myself to hate you. Because you do not love me anymore. If you do, you would have accept my mistakes and apology. You should have accept me the way I am. But you don't. You are harsh to me. You called me things. You cursed. I do not know why did I love a guy like you. I was blind. And still blind.

Honestly I really wish for things to be different. If only you would forgive me. If only we can be together again. I know we'll be happier.

I only have this 2 months left to concentrate on nothing but you. To fulfill your every needs. I am ready to do anything. If you want me to change, I will change. You can have all of me. All of my time. My attention. Everything. And now the time is running out. I don't think I can offer the same thing after that duration.

I wish I can make you happy. And prove to you and myself that I can be different. A better person.

But your ego is high up the sky that you just don't give a damn about it. You never think of me.

Because of that, I really have to get rid of everything that reminds me of you. And force myself to hate you.

I hate to hate you.

J.