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Dear Syed,
During the holidays before i started working, i thought a lot about us. About your actions. My actions. Our relationship.
There are situations that i did not understand back then but i do now.
1. Remember when i refused to delete Johann's messages from my inbox. The theory behind it is as the same as you never get rid of Azura's stuff. I know you are still keeping them somewhere. He never gave me anything to keep as memories other than those messages. It was only a month after he left when i found you. And you know that. Yet you still want to try to make us work. Seriously I do too. I just wish you would give me more time. Because I know i will let it go some day. Or maybe at that moment i should have explain it to you the reasons and convince you that you are the only one i want to be with. So that you would not have been so suspicious on my feelings.
2. I could not understand why it really bothers you about my relationship with other guys. I hate your insecurity. I was with you. I chose to be with you. And yet you doubt my loyalty. It hurts. Because honestly i always trusted you. Do you see me getting mad saw messages from your female friends in your handphone. Did i ever get angry reading those text messages from Azura? If only you knew i always told Umar and Johann how lucky i was having you in my life. How i wish you would be together with me until the end. And i never went out with anyone else when we were an item. I never cheated on you. I always told you who called or messaged me. Maybe it's my fault for not showing my love towards you as much as you did. Maybe that's why the insecurity exist on the first place. I am sorry if i ever made you feel unloved.
3. There was this one time when i showed you some of the photos from my digital camera. And then i forbid you to see the rest of the photos. Right after that, you got so mad at me. You started to be cold. Which i seriously did not understand your action. And you started to eat the dinner without invited me. I was hurt. I did not know what did i do so wrong that u behave such a way. The reason i did not let you to see those photos because i was ashamed. There were photos of my bags, soft toys, clothes. I was scared if you see them, you will see me as an immature child. Only 2 months ago, i realised why exactly you were mad during that time. You thought there were photos of me with a guy that i did not want you to see. Am i right? That was why you were so damn angry. With that, I am sorry for giving you a wrong impression by not giving a good explaination of my reasons for not showing you those photos.
4. Do you remember the night we had dinner at Paddington's.The night we fought so bad that i think it is one of the reason we broke up. You took my photo using my handphone's camera. Then as i was looking at the photo, i replied Johann's message. You asked who did i message. I could have lied to you. But i did not. I do not want to because i do not think lies are good for a relationship. And shit I was wrong. I should have lied. Because after that you started to say all those hurtful things. You brought up the issue that you were the one who bought me the phone, the one who paid the bills but yet i used them to send photos to some other guy. I never asked you to give me all of that. You choose to pamper me. And i am grateful for it. But i do not like when you make it as an excuse to control my life. Control who i can be friends with. If only you knew he was only asking me where am i. And i replied i am outside having dinner with my boyfriend. Which was you. I was there with you. And it was just a message. The same message i would replied to Wani if she was the one who send the message. And you accuse me for breaking my promise to not contact him anymore. You forced me to make that promise. I did not want to because i know i will not be able to hold onto it. He was a lousy lover but he is a good friend. He is a good reminder for me to be grateful i have you. There are reasons why i choose to be with you over him. I wish you can see that. Or i should have say it out loud to you rather than hoping you will come up with that thought on your own.
5. Whenever we fought, i would kept silence and cry. Not that i want to ignore you. I just could not answer all your questions because somehow the emotion caught my tongue. If only instead of interrogating me and forced me to talk, you would just hugged me and calm me down. Eventually i will say all the things that you are hoping me to say. I was in shocked. I could not think clearly when you are in front of me with that scary angry face. I am sorry if i am too complicated to understand.
From all of the above situations that i have thought thoroughly, i can conclude that our realationship did not work because of poor communications. We should have fight, talk, discuss loudly just like you always tried to do. We should not kept everything inside because later there will come a day when we cannot hold it anymore. Next, it explodes and things got messy. Just like us.
If you want to blame it on me, i will take it. Because you did try to communicate with me. And i did not. You always mention about your feelings, your insecurity. And i never bother to care.
Remember i once said i like you because you are a simple person. I do not like when you talk to me about your feelings, about our relationship, about my doings. It is too heavy for me to focus on. When things got complicated, i just refused to think. Maybe I wasn't really prepared for a serious relationship as i thought i was.
But what if..
Now, 9 months after we broke up,
I said I am prepared for it.
I am ready to make the relationship works.
Would you give me a second chance?
Or would you still say i am too late to change?
*sigh*
J.
