Day 400

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Dear Syed,

One of the tons of things I learn after we broke up is:

FOOD Is Very Important

Empty stomach makes me emotional as much as it makes you cranky. We fought a lot during fasting month, dint we? We should be more patient.

Hmm.

No. I should be more patient.

p/s: Ramadhan is coming. And nobody will celebrate my birthday as it falls again in fasting month.

J.

Day 395 and1/2

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Dear Syed,

I found an idea how to get over you. It is called as Attention Diversion.

I think you are fully aware of this theory as you are practising it right now. You divert all your energy to your work and Angel. So your mind will not have any space left to think of me which usually your brain will involuntary does.

Sadly I will not be working until end of next month. So i do not have a busy working life at the moment to help me divert my attention. I have to use another technique which is called Thought Block. Right now, i am thinking of what to do with my salary. I love to think about money. It is the second thing that makes me happy, after you. What am I going to buy and where I am going to go. It also has Visualisation technique. Impressive. 2 theories in 1.

I better stop before I sounded more crazy. But it is better to be like this than weeping over you for days when you do not even think of me.

Hu hee~

God, please please please help me to be strong.

J.

Day 395

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Dear Syed,

It was yesterday when Wani asked me if I ever dreaming of you in my sleep. And i answered No.

You never really show up in my dream. Ever.

Until...

This morning.

I always thought that if we ever bumped into each other in the future, you may look the other way or pretending you do not see or know me.

But in the dream, you were smiling. Seeing me. It is just weird. But hm.. I don't think it will ever going to happen. You're not like that.

It was just a dream.

A meaningless dream.

J.

Day 393

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Dear Syed,

"Why did you broke up with Syed?"

I was watching Hannah Montana on beautiful Saturday morning when my mom asked that question this morning. I think it was because my great cuz, Ika is getting married next year. She and Naim fought a lot and broke up several times. But somehow they always find ways to get back together again and again. I don't know why our luck is not as good as theirs.

Anyway, I don't really answer my mother's question. I cannot bring myself to say that it is my fault that you left. I just said we fought a lot.

"Do you have any other boyfriend?"

"No."

"Then, why? What makes him so determined to leave you when both of you look okay before. Macam dah berpatah arang. What did you do?"

I just kept quiet and fixed my eyes on the TV screen.

My mother used to say i have a low EQ. So i guess she already knew it is my fault. I don't understand why she have to repeatedly asking a question i do not want to answer. I tried to prove her wrong about the fact that I cannot handle my emotion well. But I guess, she is right.

By the end of the night, I ended up with headache, eye pain, and stomachache. But none of them can overcome this hurt in my heart.

J.

Day 392

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Dear Syed,

I think I am deprived of love.

You are lucky. You get 1/3 of love from each parents. If you sum it up, you'll see that you get more than half love from your parents.

I got 0 love from my father and 1/6 from my mom. In total, I only received 1/6 of love.

When I was with you, I was in so much bliss as I received full 100% of love from you. I don't think I ever get fully loved like that before or after.

This is one of the reasons why it is just so damn effing hard to let you go.

I hate it when i talk crap.

And i had watched Shrek. The moral of the story was never take things for granted. Haish. So not impressing and laughable except the redonkeylous part.

J.

Day 391

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Dear Syed,

I cried again tonight. I am starting to hate myself for that. I was thinking about life. My life. How it would be if I destroy you and all the memories. If there is no existence of you in my life. How would my life be. All i can see in my mind was a dark night with a dim light in one corner. It would be dull. Sad. Boring. Nothing.

At this moment, only the memories of us give me happiness. Everyone kept talking, advising and telling me to forget you. I dont know how to do that, when it is the only thing that can make a smile formed on my face.

I cried hard thinking about it. I had to control the sounds of the cry at the lowest volume so my family would not hear it. I cried like the day when you were so mad at me. The only thing that somehow calm me down tonight was the spectacular view of the city. Living on the tenth floor really gives you the opportunity to see how Kuala Lumpur looks like during nightime. It never sleep.

But i should get to sleep. My eyes hurt. Hope it will get better by tomorrow. May Shrek helps me to have a good day tomorrow.

Good nite.

May you have a beautiful dream.

J.

Day 386

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Dear Syed,

Today I asked my mom to teach me how to make chicken rice. I watched every steps. But i did not write down anything. I hope I will manage to remember it all using photographic memory which I hope I have. :)

I watched the final badminton match for Thomas cup. Lin Dan is quite a hot guy. Too bad he did not play for Malaysia.

I just put up the music playlist in the blog. I love the songs. Especially the track no 1. The Nanometer sounds good too. They are written and sang by Wani Ardy.

Hmm...

How is your day today?

J.

Day 383

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Dear Syed,

I just finished watching the last episode of Adamaya. Since the last few episodes, crying seems a must for me everyday. I don't know. I was so emotional. Maybe it was the hormone.

The story reminds me of us. The coldness of Adam reminds me on how you were few days before the break up. The stupidity of Maya reminds me of all my faults.

I admit he is my first love. But I never cheated on you. I never go out with him behind your back. Yes we did text messaging. That was all we did. And it was not as frequent as I replied your messages. He never acted like a boyfriend to me. The reason why I always defense what I did is not because I love him but because I was hurt that you did not trust me. You did not trust my capability of differentiating between love and friendship.

And I am sorry for mentioning his name maybe too many times to you. Especially when we were fighting. I admit that is my fault. I will never let it happen again. I know I have promise you something. I don't really want to make that promise at the first place because I know I may not be able to hold on to it. But you forced me. And i am very sorry for breaking the promise.

Back to the story, Maya cheated on Adam. Many times. Eventually, she regretted it. And Adam forgive her. He forgets and he moves on. But he moves on together with Maya.

That makes me think am I really a bad person that it is so hard for you to forgive what I did. All i ever wanted was to have a good relationship with everyone because somehow it is easier for me to forget someone when they are there. Not when they are afar from me.

I don't know. Nothing I said can ever soften your icy cold heart.

Mungkin satu hari nanti ade pencuci yang berkesan untuk melunturkan kesan luka di hati awak.

J.

Day 382

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Dear Syed,

Yesterday could be our 8 month anniversary. Do you still remember the date?

There are tonnes of strawberries and chocolates in the fridge. If we are still together, i would have bring them over to the KLCC. We can have a short picnic together at the park despite of this endless summer season. I know I need to stop daydreaming and wishing things will be like before. Tapi tanpa impian, mimpi takkan menjadi kenyataan.

I made strawberry chocolate cupcake today. Although the presentation was a bit disaster, my mom said the taste is okay. It is too bad you are not here to taste it.

I know you are happy right now. Even without me. I know I should be too. I am trying.

J.

Day 16

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J,

"I finally found one criteria of you. You like pink! So you will totally like my present."

"What do you want to name it?"

"It is yours. You should be the one who name it."

"If you said Bunny, then Bunny is the name." :)

(11th May 2009)

That was the first present you gave me. A soft toy. A one eyed pirate pink rabbit. It is very cute. And you sprayed CK Euphoria all over it. It was a little bit too much. Even the wrapper was smelling like you.

Since then I took Bunny wherever I go. Almost everywhere minus the toilet and hospital. I brought it to PPD camp, Slim River, my house, grandma's house, Jakarta. I even start to neglect my other Teddies because of Bunny.

But now I have no more Bunny.

And I miss it.

I really hope it is under a good care.

Happy First Year, Bunny!

Love,

J.

Day 341

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Dear Syed,

Do you know that I went to your house today?

You were not at home. And I have to do what I have to. With my 2 girlfriends' extraordinary support.

I wish I can see you. But it does not matter. I just want to give back all your stuff. There is no use to keep it. It will only bring back memories into my mind. I want to burn it. But I don't have the heart to do it.

I was scared at first. My 2 girlfriends who knocked your front door. I was quite surprised by them. She even parked in the parking lot behind your Suzuki Swift. Kakak was the one who opened the door. Seeing her friendly face making me more calm. She asked me why I haven't come to your house anymore. I have no answer for it. So i just smiled. She invited me in.

The moment I stepped into the house, all the memories rushing into my mind. The living room where we used to watch television together, the dining table where once I had dinner with your dad, you and Amir and not to forget the kitchen where we had our cupcake baking sessions together.

Kakak let me put the stuff in your room myself. Please don't be mad at her. Your room is still the same. The bed with the same bedsheet I've seen before. You never change the chair. The only thing missing was Blue. I did not see it anywhere. May he is at someplace nice.

I miss being there. At your house. With you.

J.

Day 374

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Dear Syed,


I watched Dear John today. It is based on a novel written by Nicholas Sparks. The same guy who wrote A Walk To Remember and The Last Song.

It's about a young soldier named John who falls for a college girl, Savannah during his temporary leave at his hometown. Savannah was there for a spring break. They fell in love at first sight. In 2 weeks, they were totally in love with one another. Then, John had to continue his work at another part of the world. They wrote each other letters during the time they were apart. They numbered all the letters. Only letters kept those two lovebirds close. Until something happened. And things did not go the way as planned. Savannah ended up marrying other guy. John remained broken hearted. He burnt all the letters. But he did not know exactly what happen. When he finally reach home after several years, then he learnt the reasons behind Savannah's action. Savannah still keep all the letters John sent her. And unlike the novel, I am glad the movie has a happy ending.

They also have a good soundtracks for the movie. This is one of my favourites. It is called Little House, written and sang by the leading actress herself, Amanda Seyfried.




I love the movie a lot. The letters reminding me of us.

Sadly I do not have any of them anymore.

Have you burnt it all?

Is it still possible for us to have a good happy ending even if it takes years to happen?


Love,
J.