Day 500

.

Dear Syed,

Love is always patient and kind.

It never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited.

It never rude or selfish.

It does not take offense and is not resentful.

I will always love you.

Then, now and the days to come.

J.

Day 495

.

Things that i like about Syed:

1. His hair. I still remember the first few dates, I just cannot resist myself to touch his hair until one day i gather all the courage and asked him, "can i touch your hair".

2. His ears. The next day i asked, "Can i touch your ear?" I like how it gets real red when he feels hot. and I like the texture of em. I like running my fingers through the helix of his ears because at the end of it, there are few little hairs that feel so smooth.

3. His smile. The smile that really melts my heart. I hate when he is angry. Because it scares me. No smile. Just those angry eyes.

4. His smell. CK Euphoria. Hmmph.

5. How he looks real good in pink. Thank you for wearing that shirt on your birthday.

6. I like how our fingers fit into one another when we walk holding hands. It doesnt feel awkward. They just fits together. That is one of the things that makes me believe you're the one.

7. I like how he will hold the steering wheel with one hand and hold my hand with another while driving. Reminds me of that song by Taylor Swift, Our Song.

8. I like how he looks like from the side. The reason why I kept staring at him in the car while he was driving. And i love him more because my stare does not even bother his concentration.

9. I like it when he is 24-7 with me through phonecalls, skype, dating sessions. We used to talk on the phone as early as 5 o'clock. Until one day he get so busy with work and started to get grumpy and do not want me to wake him up at late at night or early in the morning just for unimportant talks.

10. I like how he is able to make me feels so shy in front of camera when i usually don't.

11. I like it when he is happy because of the things i did.

12. I like it when he touches my nose.

13. I like when he cut my nails while stopping at the red lights.

14. His hug. I like being there, close to his heart. It makes me feel safe and loved.

15. I like when he hugged me from the back while i withdrew money from the ATM machine.

16. I like how his hands look like. They are so pale that u can see those vessels running under the skin. His vessel's anatomy is so different from others that u feel like to try inserting branula inside it.

17. I like it when his hands are cold. So i would ask him to put his hand over the aircond until they become cold before he touches my cheek. It feels so comfortable. Hmmph.

18. The way he treated me. Like a princess. I wish I could see it clearly before.

19. He likes to bake cupcakes with me.

20. He doesnt care that i have fatty tummy.

:)

Happy Birthday!

Day 431

.

Dear Syed,

During the holidays before i started working, i thought a lot about us. About your actions. My actions. Our relationship.

There are situations that i did not understand back then but i do now.

1. Remember when i refused to delete Johann's messages from my inbox. The theory behind it is as the same as you never get rid of Azura's stuff. I know you are still keeping them somewhere. He never gave me anything to keep as memories other than those messages. It was only a month after he left when i found you. And you know that. Yet you still want to try to make us work. Seriously I do too. I just wish you would give me more time. Because I know i will let it go some day. Or maybe at that moment i should have explain it to you the reasons and convince you that you are the only one i want to be with. So that you would not have been so suspicious on my feelings.

2. I could not understand why it really bothers you about my relationship with other guys. I hate your insecurity. I was with you. I chose to be with you. And yet you doubt my loyalty. It hurts. Because honestly i always trusted you. Do you see me getting mad saw messages from your female friends in your handphone. Did i ever get angry reading those text messages from Azura? If only you knew i always told Umar and Johann how lucky i was having you in my life. How i wish you would be together with me until the end. And i never went out with anyone else when we were an item. I never cheated on you. I always told you who called or messaged me. Maybe it's my fault for not showing my love towards you as much as you did. Maybe that's why the insecurity exist on the first place. I am sorry if i ever made you feel unloved.

3. There was this one time when i showed you some of the photos from my digital camera. And then i forbid you to see the rest of the photos. Right after that, you got so mad at me. You started to be cold. Which i seriously did not understand your action. And you started to eat the dinner without invited me. I was hurt. I did not know what did i do so wrong that u behave such a way. The reason i did not let you to see those photos because i was ashamed. There were photos of my bags, soft toys, clothes. I was scared if you see them, you will see me as an immature child. Only 2 months ago, i realised why exactly you were mad during that time. You thought there were photos of me with a guy that i did not want you to see. Am i right? That was why you were so damn angry. With that, I am sorry for giving you a wrong impression by not giving a good explaination of my reasons for not showing you those photos.

4. Do you remember the night we had dinner at Paddington's.The night we fought so bad that i think it is one of the reason we broke up. You took my photo using my handphone's camera. Then as i was looking at the photo, i replied Johann's message. You asked who did i message. I could have lied to you. But i did not. I do not want to because i do not think lies are good for a relationship. And shit I was wrong. I should have lied. Because after that you started to say all those hurtful things. You brought up the issue that you were the one who bought me the phone, the one who paid the bills but yet i used them to send photos to some other guy. I never asked you to give me all of that. You choose to pamper me. And i am grateful for it. But i do not like when you make it as an excuse to control my life. Control who i can be friends with. If only you knew he was only asking me where am i. And i replied i am outside having dinner with my boyfriend. Which was you. I was there with you. And it was just a message. The same message i would replied to Wani if she was the one who send the message. And you accuse me for breaking my promise to not contact him anymore. You forced me to make that promise. I did not want to because i know i will not be able to hold onto it. He was a lousy lover but he is a good friend. He is a good reminder for me to be grateful i have you. There are reasons why i choose to be with you over him. I wish you can see that. Or i should have say it out loud to you rather than hoping you will come up with that thought on your own.

5. Whenever we fought, i would kept silence and cry. Not that i want to ignore you. I just could not answer all your questions because somehow the emotion caught my tongue. If only instead of interrogating me and forced me to talk, you would just hugged me and calm me down. Eventually i will say all the things that you are hoping me to say. I was in shocked. I could not think clearly when you are in front of me with that scary angry face. I am sorry if i am too complicated to understand.

From all of the above situations that i have thought thoroughly, i can conclude that our realationship did not work because of poor communications. We should have fight, talk, discuss loudly just like you always tried to do. We should not kept everything inside because later there will come a day when we cannot hold it anymore. Next, it explodes and things got messy. Just like us.

If you want to blame it on me, i will take it. Because you did try to communicate with me. And i did not. You always mention about your feelings, your insecurity. And i never bother to care.

Remember i once said i like you because you are a simple person. I do not like when you talk to me about your feelings, about our relationship, about my doings. It is too heavy for me to focus on. When things got complicated, i just refused to think. Maybe I wasn't really prepared for a serious relationship as i thought i was.

But what if..

Now, 9 months after we broke up,

I said I am prepared for it.

I am ready to make the relationship works.

Would you give me a second chance?

Or would you still say i am too late to change?

*sigh*

J.

Day 209

.

The day i need you.

20 November, 2009.

Syed:

I don't need you.

You can't simply force me to come back to you. Even if i came back, I won't have feelings for you, and things will not get better.

So, stop this.

PLEASE STOP.

Day 56

.

More and more FB messages.

Day 27.

You bau wangi, bile u jalan depan i, i suke bau. :p

Day 52.

I wish I could spend more time with you. worth the pnat :)

Day 56.

Remember, i will always love u..no one can ever become your substitute ;)

Day 62.

Baby... i wanna hug u... Let's get married next year!

They said the first three months are the happiest time for every couple.

The fight will only start when the relationship entering the fourth month.

They are right.

Day 54

.

June 18, 2009.

Me:

U, i want to book a space in your heart for eternity. I nak space in your arm too. Can tk?

You:

Sayang, u already have that special place in my heart currently. All you have to do, dok diam2 kat situ, let me pamper you accordingly, okie? ;)

And my arms are meant to make you feel safe when you're around me :)

Day 43

.

June 7, 2009.

The day I came back from a week of camping outside the city. And found these messages from you in my FB inbox.

June 1.

Syed:

Syg...balikla cpt... i tak thn dah ni :(

Syg...rindu...

Syg...i love u...

June 1.

Syed:

Baby...i want you.

June 2.

Syed:

Baby...i miss you.

June 3.

Syed:

Baby...i love you.

June 5.

Syed:

Baby! Uwa..smlm i tertido trus. tgk da terlepas sehari tau.

Baby, i syg u sgt2...cptla balikk.

June 6.

Syed:

Yay! You're coming back home today :D Can't wait to see you sayang :D

I pray that you arrive home safely ;)

Missh you!

And i was terribly missing you too back then. I still remember how i annoyingly pestering my friends that i want to go back to KL every seconds of each day i was at the camp.

Day 20

.

Our first fight..

May 15, 2009.

You: I am sorry. I will stop breathing until you forgive me. Let me suffocate.

Me: Lame.

You: What if i punch and pinch myself?

I cannot even remember what the cold war was about.

Day 16

.

This is our first FB message.

May 11, 2009.

You: You do not miss me anymore. :(

Me: Wek ;p

You: Gigit kang budak comel sorang ni. Ngap2.

Me: Tumbuk kang.

You: Aritu dah bagi karate kat blakang bdn i, nak tumbuk plak ek..ganaz.

I am sorry for hitting you that day. I was trying to pat your back. I did not know how my hand became so stiff and hurt you. Huhu..

Day 395

.

Dear Syed,

It was yesterday when Wani asked me if I ever dreaming of you in my sleep. And i answered No.

You never really show up in my dream. Ever.

Until...

This morning.

I always thought that if we ever bumped into each other in the future, you may look the other way or pretending you do not see or know me.

But in the dream, you were smiling. Seeing me. It is just weird. But hm.. I don't think it will ever going to happen. You're not like that.

It was just a dream.

A meaningless dream.

J.

Day 393

.

Dear Syed,

"Why did you broke up with Syed?"

I was watching Hannah Montana on beautiful Saturday morning when my mom asked that question this morning. I think it was because my great cuz, Ika is getting married next year. She and Naim fought a lot and broke up several times. But somehow they always find ways to get back together again and again. I don't know why our luck is not as good as theirs.

Anyway, I don't really answer my mother's question. I cannot bring myself to say that it is my fault that you left. I just said we fought a lot.

"Do you have any other boyfriend?"

"No."

"Then, why? What makes him so determined to leave you when both of you look okay before. Macam dah berpatah arang. What did you do?"

I just kept quiet and fixed my eyes on the TV screen.

My mother used to say i have a low EQ. So i guess she already knew it is my fault. I don't understand why she have to repeatedly asking a question i do not want to answer. I tried to prove her wrong about the fact that I cannot handle my emotion well. But I guess, she is right.

By the end of the night, I ended up with headache, eye pain, and stomachache. But none of them can overcome this hurt in my heart.

J.

Day 392

.

Dear Syed,

I think I am deprived of love.

You are lucky. You get 1/3 of love from each parents. If you sum it up, you'll see that you get more than half love from your parents.

I got 0 love from my father and 1/6 from my mom. In total, I only received 1/6 of love.

When I was with you, I was in so much bliss as I received full 100% of love from you. I don't think I ever get fully loved like that before or after.

This is one of the reasons why it is just so damn effing hard to let you go.

I hate it when i talk crap.

And i had watched Shrek. The moral of the story was never take things for granted. Haish. So not impressing and laughable except the redonkeylous part.

J.

Day 383

.

Dear Syed,

I just finished watching the last episode of Adamaya. Since the last few episodes, crying seems a must for me everyday. I don't know. I was so emotional. Maybe it was the hormone.

The story reminds me of us. The coldness of Adam reminds me on how you were few days before the break up. The stupidity of Maya reminds me of all my faults.

I admit he is my first love. But I never cheated on you. I never go out with him behind your back. Yes we did text messaging. That was all we did. And it was not as frequent as I replied your messages. He never acted like a boyfriend to me. The reason why I always defense what I did is not because I love him but because I was hurt that you did not trust me. You did not trust my capability of differentiating between love and friendship.

And I am sorry for mentioning his name maybe too many times to you. Especially when we were fighting. I admit that is my fault. I will never let it happen again. I know I have promise you something. I don't really want to make that promise at the first place because I know I may not be able to hold on to it. But you forced me. And i am very sorry for breaking the promise.

Back to the story, Maya cheated on Adam. Many times. Eventually, she regretted it. And Adam forgive her. He forgets and he moves on. But he moves on together with Maya.

That makes me think am I really a bad person that it is so hard for you to forgive what I did. All i ever wanted was to have a good relationship with everyone because somehow it is easier for me to forget someone when they are there. Not when they are afar from me.

I don't know. Nothing I said can ever soften your icy cold heart.

Mungkin satu hari nanti ade pencuci yang berkesan untuk melunturkan kesan luka di hati awak.

J.

Day 1

.

Dear Syed,

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
Hey, you know this could be something
Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all take my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing.

I remember every looks upon your face
The way you rolled your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
Cause when i close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now you're leaving.


(Two Is Better Than One)

As the song tells, i do remember the first day I saw you. It was afternoon on the last Saturday of April outside your yellow house. You wore blue T-shirt, black pants and grey sneakers.

I never knew that Iyas was going to bring you together to the warehouse sale. He did not mention anything while we were in the car. That was so typical of him.

I was revising the guidelines on how to manage a patient with Ischaemic Heart Disease in the car loudly on our way to your house. But i do not know why the moment you stepped into the car, I was totally lost of words and sounds to make. I kept silent. I was shy. Which was abnormal of me.

You were quiet too. I have a thing for a quiet guy. It is one of the 3 characteristics i am looking in a guy. Most of my close friends know about this. Only a few days later that I found out the reason behind your silence, which was sore throat. You were having sore throat! That was why you talked less. But it did not matter. Because at that point of time, my heart was already bound to you. And nothing could really change it.

At the warehouse sale, we did not get a chance to talk to one another as my girlfriends and I were busy shopping for Crocs while you were spending your time with Iyas doing I do not know what as I noticed both of you bought nothing. I bought my first 2 Crocs there. So, their lifetimes are as long as our relationship. Both of my Crocs are still in a good condition. Unfortunately, it does not work the same for our relationship.

Later on that day, all five of us had lunch at Noodle Station. And we finally talked. It was funny how it started. I was offering my vegetables to everyone on the table as I did not eat veggies. And funnily it stopped at your plate as you seemed willingly to accept the offer. That was the first time I saw you smile. Do you know that you have a beautiful smile. A smile that can really melts my heart. I miss that smile.

I did not know what to call you or address you. I ended up calling you quite harsh on that day, didn't i? It was one of the moment that we will never forget, isn't it. Because you kept bringing up that issue when we finally start dating. Which happened few weeks later.

It started with Facebook messages. Then it led to Yahoo Messenger chat. Later was mobile texting followed by phonecalls. It also started with a Crocs. Remember you are determined to help me to find a pink Crocs that i am so badly craving for. Next, we did group dating few times before I finally felt comfortable to go out with you alone. Iyas and Wani did helped us a lot, don't they?

It was when I went home that day, I remember that Iyas actually had informed earlier that he wanted to introduce his friend to me. Which at that moment, I did not take what he said seriously. Then I finally managed to put the pieces together. Iyas had all of this planned. He wanted to matchmaking us. And I was glad he did it.
I still am.

I wish I can go back to that day. The day I learnt that people can really fall in love at first sight. Because I did.

Do you still feel the same way you did 367 days ago?

I am surely do.

I love you. Very much.

Love,
J.

Day 363

.

Dear Syed,

Currently I am in Penang. Crying on Iyas' sister's bed.

Earliear today, Wani and Iyas were arguing and discussing about us in the car. Wani defended me and Iyas was defending you. Watching they arguing about us remind me back to all had happened. I have been repressing my feelings and thoughts of you for some time since my last visit to your house. I have told myself so many times to hate you.

I said to Iyas you are a bad person. That's why you left me alone. Because I want to believe it that way. It is easier to hate you that way. But he said you're not. And convinced me you have your reasons of your act. Which I hope he never told me that. Because I know it is true. I just do not want to believe it.

Why must he change my mind. Now I am so frustrated as all the memories coming back to me, hijacking my mind. Keep reminding me that it was my fault for what had happened to us.

Why my life has to be so hard?

J.

Day 316

.
Dear Syed,

Yesterday i went through all our photos and the messages on Skype because I miss you. I thought it will makes me feel better. But it does not. I ended up with an enormous feelings of loneliness which lead me to skipping study group discussion.

I wonder when will it be over..

Now in the place where it used to be filled with love,
in the deepest part of my heart,
there is an empty space with a tinge of hurt.


J.

Day 84

.

J,

Hello. I'm sorry. Forgive me for being such a moody bum today. I love you for always. I just miss you too much. Hope you feel the same way too...


Yours,
Aliq
17/7/09

I forgive you, always.

Why can't you do the same?

Day 310

.
Dear Syed,


It has been winter since October last year.

Don't you feel like changing the season of your heart to spring or summer?



Love,
J.

Day 77

.
Assalamualaikum w.b.t SH

Ade budak comot tgh sedaya upaya abiskan fries dpn i skrg ni :p pada pukul 10.50 p.m. Hehe.. FYI, sometimes I ni cpt marah...tp I x pernah marah kat awk.. I feel good coz of that fact. Sbb tu I syg kt awk.. Somehow u made me a better person. I slalu sgt marah2 since stressed and depressed dulu... Tp skrg, I lebih penyabar... Hehe you must be wondering nape I bebel2 sume ni... These luahan hati serve as a way for me to show my appreciation and also to make you realize how special of a person you are :)

I suke spend time dgn awk :p I wish I have all the time in this world to spend with you...

Dun ask me why, but I'll keep cherishing you while I still have the chance...

Love you sayang...

Yours,
SAK
11/7/09

You wrote this in my pink notebook when we were having supper at McDonald.

Remember?

Day 145

.
Daddy.

Johann.



17th September 2009.


you started to become cold and ignorant,

i was scared. and insecure.

i did what i thought was right.

i made a decision based on my rational emotional mind.

before you decide to leave me,

I LEFT.


but then,

i did not know it will break your heart so bad that you choose not to recover.

i did not know it will hurt my heart greater than i ever felt before.

i did not know.


if i knew,

i would have wait.

i would have keep holding on.


but,

things happen.

mistakes happen.

regrets happen.

for reasons whatsoever.

and i just have to live with it.

because that's how life is.


and,

i'm sorry for making that mistakes to us.