Day 308

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Dear Syed,


Today, my university held a solat hajat for the final year students at nearby mosque. Parents were invited. Many parents came. Some friends even brought their boyfriends.

I cannot help thinking if we were still together, you must have come for me.

I really wish you would come today.

Because none of my parents came.

It hurts.


My life sucks without you, don't you know that?

You know, but you are too ignorant to care.

You choose to be ignorant.

It hurts.


I am hurt.



J.

Day 77

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Assalamualaikum w.b.t SH

Ade budak comot tgh sedaya upaya abiskan fries dpn i skrg ni :p pada pukul 10.50 p.m. Hehe.. FYI, sometimes I ni cpt marah...tp I x pernah marah kat awk.. I feel good coz of that fact. Sbb tu I syg kt awk.. Somehow u made me a better person. I slalu sgt marah2 since stressed and depressed dulu... Tp skrg, I lebih penyabar... Hehe you must be wondering nape I bebel2 sume ni... These luahan hati serve as a way for me to show my appreciation and also to make you realize how special of a person you are :)

I suke spend time dgn awk :p I wish I have all the time in this world to spend with you...

Dun ask me why, but I'll keep cherishing you while I still have the chance...

Love you sayang...

Yours,
SAK
11/7/09

You wrote this in my pink notebook when we were having supper at McDonald.

Remember?

Day 304

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Dear Syed,

It was raining heavily today when Iffah and I decided to go out to JJ. Since i have few umbrellas that i had never use before, i decided to use it today although the hostel and the parking lot is only few metres in distance. I used the blue polka dot umbrella, the one my Japanese friend bought for me. And i lend Iffah my purple umbrella which i never thought i have. The moment she opened it, my mind twirled around thinking where the hell this umbrella comes from because i was not aware of its existence. It was new and never been opened. It has this cute design of flowery pattern at the margin.

Then suddenly your face came into mind. And Slim River. There was this one time when u came to visit me and you brought some stuff with you, like foods, hangers, slippers etc, to make sure i feel comfortable living there. One of the things that you bought for me was this dark purple umbrella because Slim River was hot at that time. Funnily, i never used that umbrella. That is why i have no memory of a beautiful dark purple umbrella with pinkish flowery images stored in my brain.

The next thing i know i started to re-missing you. See, I cannot stand being mad at you. Even for a day. But it has been months you stay being mad at me.

Why is that sayang? Did I make a very big overzelaous sinful mistake to you that makes it hard for you to forgive me and forget about it? Of course you said you forgive me but instead of forget it, you decided to forget me.

It feels weird. One time i feel so close to you that i believe we breathe in the same composition of air. Now, i feel like a stranger to you. 10 years from now, you may even forget my name.

It sounds sad. Don't you think so?

It is not fine but it is okay. You can do whatever you want. I don't want to be that little girl you hate who thinks she can have anything she wants in life by manipulating people's emotion. That is what I understand about Crying Lightning.

I had a bad day today and i feel so tired.

Goodnight.


Love,
J.

Day 303

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Syed,

Crying Lighting refers to me, isnt it? Is that really how u think of me? If it is true, then it is just sad.

Because we have tonnes of great memories together, but still at the end that is how you remember me.

It felt worst knowing the fact that my feelings for you will never fade. No matter how bad i want to hate.

My heart hurts.

For loving and hating you at the same time.


J.

Day 298

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Dear Syed,


It was Azyan's birthday today. Her boyfriend planned a surprise birthday party for her. We helped a little by picking up the cake, set up the place, search for the party packs, etc.

My mouth is aching from blowing all the balloons. When i said all, i mean ALL. Ok fine, Wani helped blow one balloon halfway and Alia blew one which she accidentally burst it out later.

It was a typical surprise birthday celebration yet it was still fun. Azyan's boyfriend blindfolded her and we sang the birthday song. Then she loosened up the blindfold, we yelled surprise. She almost had a tear in her eye. She cut the cake which followed by massive photo sessions.

It went beautiful until the part where all of us sat and eat our food.

There in front of me i saw Azy was totally in love with Cakoi.
She was absolutely clueless on Cakoi's surprise plan. And Cakoi was one of the sweetest boyfriend i ever know.

When i turned to my left, there was Hannah and his soon to be fiance, Fahmi.
They are the most adorable couple i have ever met. Can you believe they never had any major fight for all this 3 years they are together. Not a single. Seriously. They look all lovey dovey as if they just met a month ago.

And on my right was Hasni and Abg Sedara.
Like always, they look good together.

Out of sudden, Abg Sedara turned to me and asked what's wrong because i have been gloomy since the time we sat on the table.

That was when the tears that i have been holding up since the moment Azy opened up her gift from Cakoi, flew down my cheek uncontrollably.

It was because seeing the girls being contented and happy with their boyfriends reminding me of you. Reminding me on how i felt contented when i was under your care. Reminding me on how I have been missing you so much this past couple of days. I have been suppressed the feelings and compensated it with books and preparation for exam.

Tonight i realised that i have made a mistake when i chose to come to the party instead of study for Ophtalmology. Tomorrow i am scheduled to go to Ophthalmology clinic.But judging from the condition of my red and swollen eyes, I am not sure how am i going to look into the patient's eye using ophthalmoscope and assessing it tomorrow.

I wish i am strong.

Like you.

But i am not.

And i need to learn how to adapt with it.


Pray for my recovery, will you?




Missing you much,
J.

Day 294

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Dear Syed,

Today is my last day of being a medical student. The final day in the final year. The memory that i remembered the most as fifth year medical student was,

I was a girlfriend.

and You were my boyfriend.

I know i never tell you this, but you are my first boyfriend. The first guy i ever addressed as my boyfriend. The guy i thought i would end up marrying to. Now all of that has become a memory. There is no more you in my life.

Reality sucks.

With hope,
J.

Day 292

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Dear Syed,


How are you?

I hope things are well for you.

May you already adapting to the work stress.

Today i am kind of freak out.

There are so many things i need to read and understand before the professional exam arrives.

Yet there is only minimal time left.

Wards will be closed for medical student in 2 weeks time.

And prior that day i need to master all the clinical examinations , from head to toe.

The stress is just so overwhelming.


But,

the good part is i have my study partners who will help me to get through this.

and i can busy myself with study, so that i will think less of you.

now i can see the hidden plan of God why He decided for the break up to happen few months ago.

He want me to have full concentration on exam.

He love me.


Still,

I want you to know i will never forget you.

You are like the oxygen in my blood.

You cannot see it.

You cannot feel it.

But, you know it is there.

Always.


You are still the one person that comes to my mind when i wake up early morning.

And the only person i think of before i close my eyes at night.

You are always here with me.

In my mind.

In my memories.

In my dreams.


I pray may everything will be alright.

For me.

For you.

For us.


Happy Eleventh.. :)



Loving you everyday,
J.

Day 99

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The day we had our first cupcake baking session together. It was my first attempt of baking cupcakes. And our first attempt of baking together.

Remember we did the preparations like weeks before the actual day? We bought the oven because none of us have it. And then u bought for me the cupcake set from MPH. The one i like so much because it is pink! You also bought the spatula, the measurement cup, the cupcake cups. Then we went hunting for the ingredients. We bought flour, sugar, eggs, milk. The stuff for the toppings. And you had to stop me from buying too much decorations and colouring liquids.

I love shopping for groceries with you. I like the scene of you pushing the trolley and i put in the stuff into the trolley. I felt like a married couple. :)

The venue for the baking session was your home sweet home's kitchen. Your parents were so cool about the idea of me coming over to bake. And i remember joking about i might become your stepmother because your father is one handsome guy. Your mum was not around at that time if i am not mistaken. That was the first time i met your little brother, Amir. He was such an adorable boy. So inquisitive. And also not to forget your maid, Kakak. She was nice.

We had so much fun on that day kan?

The measurements for all the ingredients just drove me insane. Luckily, i have you. My calculator minded man. First few attempts of baking were failed. The cupcakes were so slimy and abnormal looking. But after few tries with higher cooking temperature and longer cooking time, the cupcakes were blooming and smell good. Then for the topping we used my favourite colour and you helped me decorate the cupcakes.

Although the outcome was not as beautiful as we expected, all the cupcakes still look nice. And the taste was not so horrible for a first timer. All my friends did compliment the tastefulness of the cupcakes when i gave them during college dinner on that night. We did make a great team together, kan?

It was one of lovely memories of us that i will never forget. And it was the beginning of more episodes of happy baking session.

Until we broke up.


Today, i had my first cupcake baking session without you. It was still a fun process. But not quite the same as when i was with you.

I wish you were there in the picture.

I wish it was you who make the ingredient's calculation.

I wish it was you who helped me stir the mixture.

I wish it was you who set up the oven.

I wish it was us together who did the topping's decorations.

I wish for you.

To be in every moments of my life.


Will my wishes ever come true?

Day 288

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Dear Syed,


How was your weekend?


I found out that your new car a.k.a The Wife get scratched.

It was not me who did it tho i always wanted to.

And i am sorry because i was unable to stop my lips' muscle from smiling.

I have no idea what is the absolute reason for my happiness,

whether knowing you being madly miserable or

knowing my new rival gets hurt.



Anyway,

I am still in love with you.

:)


Love,
J.

Day 287

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Dear Syed,


today i have been studying all day.

exam is a month away.

Alia has warned me not to have anymore emotional issues.

because she has no more time to tolerate it.

i think that goes to all my friends.

no one wants to meddle into anyone's life issues anymore.

now is the time to get selfish.

for own sake.



everyone has started to get serious with study and exam.

the wards are crowded with students everyday.

even on weekends.

the opportunity to clerk and examine a patient is on first come, first serve basis.

same goes with approaching a lecturer or specialist for teaching.

it is scary.


but the good part is it keeps everybody's adrenaline high.

everyone wants to be the number one.

everyone wants to be on top of the other.

it is a healthy rivalry competition.

whoever still figuring out where to start or when to start,

will totally left behind.


and i dont want to be the one who left behind.

so i need to be in my best mood.

keep you out of the picture.

it is easy to do that when i have my study partners with me.

who will definitely wont let me to even think of you in my mind.

even for a split second.


But,

when they are not here,

because they have some family issues to attend to,

i cannot stop feeling alone,

and think of you.


thinking of how my night will be if we are still together,

at this times around,

usually we will be chatting on skype,

i will be complaining on how i am dreading to have assessment with my scary professor next week,

"cayang..she said do or die. how am i suppose not to be scared about it."

and you will be comforting me telling everything will be alright,

and you will stay with me throughout the night encouraging me to study.

as you always told me,

"you have my hundred percent support."

"i will support you 300% in your study."

"i have promised your mum to help you with your study."


and when i get too stress out,

you would ask me out,

we might have dinner together,

or watch movies at GSC,

or buy groceries at Tesco,

or just stroll around the Jusco.

anything just to get my mind out of the books for awhile.

Kan sayang?


Why can't we start all over again?

because you cannot give anymore,

and i am never good in giving.


*sigh*



i wish love wouldn't be so complicated.

i wish life would be much easy.

i miss you.


Love,
J.

Day 286

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Dear Syed,


today something bad happenned.

no wonder i had butterflies flying around in my stomach all evening.

i did something terrible.

felt like i have turn into a monster.

an ugly evil monster.

i am so mad and ashamed with myself.

i hate myself.

i hate for being so stupid emotionless bad person.

i hurt many people lately.

and today it hits me.

right on my face.

i am a jerk.

a 2 faced bitch.


Syed,

i need to escape from all of this mess.

i need you.

because you are my escape.

you always were.

why did you stop being my precious escape?

why cant u stay?

i need you.


Love,
J.

Day 145

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Daddy.

Johann.



17th September 2009.


you started to become cold and ignorant,

i was scared. and insecure.

i did what i thought was right.

i made a decision based on my rational emotional mind.

before you decide to leave me,

I LEFT.


but then,

i did not know it will break your heart so bad that you choose not to recover.

i did not know it will hurt my heart greater than i ever felt before.

i did not know.


if i knew,

i would have wait.

i would have keep holding on.


but,

things happen.

mistakes happen.

regrets happen.

for reasons whatsoever.

and i just have to live with it.

because that's how life is.


and,

i'm sorry for making that mistakes to us.