Day 75

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To: SH

I love you
for so many reasons-
large or small,
and all of them are wonderful.

I love you
for all the special qualities
that make you "you",
one of a kind, the only one
int the world for me.

I love you
for the things you say that bring
such special meaning to my life,
and I love you
for the silent times when
your eyes and your arms
tell me all I want to know.

I love you
because you know how
to bring out the best in me.

I love you...
Just because I do...
Because now,
in a place where
there was nothing before,
in the deepest part of my heart...
There is love.

From: SAK

Day 281

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Dear Syed,


Yesterday i watched the movie Bandslam.

It was kinda good.

I have always love musical movies.

One of the songs they used in the movie was Everything I Own.

It was originally sang by Bread.

But i prefer the rock n roll version in the movie sang by Vanessa Hudgens.

There is one part of the song that reminds me of you.

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear
The words you long to say

As you always said.

I took you for granted.

That's why i lose you.

That's why you refused to come back.


But like the words written in the chorus,

I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

I would.


p/s: Do listen to the song. :)


Love,
J.

Day 55

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SH,

By the time you read this, we probably won't be able to see each other for another week. So I would like you to know that we have to stay strong. Like I said before, I'm a stronger person than you, so you have to be strong too for us to achieve whatever we desire :). I know this is going to be hard.. the fact that we're away from each other and that we're not able to communicate efficiently, etc.
So here are some assuring words from me..

Dear SH,

Your presence in my life has brought not just happiness, but also bliss, hope and inspiration. I've fallen in love with you for no reason. And I dont' want any reasons to love you. Because i want to love you unconditionally, endlessly. I had gained your trust, and I promise that I won't let you down. Just take my hand and let us traverse this journey together k? :) I love you for what you are and if you ask me what's so special in you that I fell for you, I have no answer for that question. Coz for me YOU are special :).

And sayang, I am yours to keep..

Nobody's perfect, and all I ask from you is to accept me as what I am. But! You perfect me. That's why it is important for you to tell me whatever I've done wrong and also whatever that I've not done to ensure that you're happy always.

I care about you. I wish I could really take care of you in a proper way. This money I gave is for your use to spend on good foods over there ok? Good food=good moods kan? I wanna ensure you got that. Take it, for me :)

I love you. No words can explain that.

I am currently missing you CRAZILY!

Take care, behave and be good...


Yours,
SAK
19/6/09

That was the content of the first card i read when I went to Slim River last year.

I never use that money you gave.

And it still has your smell.

I still remember how i suffered every night waiting for your call as you went to offshore on the very same week.


And starting 4 days ago i get posted to Slim River again for another 2 weeks.

The first day i arrived here was one of the hardest day i had.

Because Slim River reminds me of you.

You came few times last year to visit me.

I will never forget all that.

And this year, it all gone.

No more you.

And it was sad.

I cried to sleep.

And woke up on the next morning with swollen eyes.

Because I really miss you.

I always do.

Day 274

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Dear Syed,


I'm sitting here alone in my room.

Thinking about the things that we've been through.

Looking at the picture in my hand.

Trying my best to understand.

I really want to know what we did wrong.

With a love that felt so strong.


I know i've been a fool since you've been gone.

I'd better give it up and carry on.

Living in a dream of you and me is not the way my life should be.

I dont want to cry a tear for you.

So, forgive me if I do.


I dont know how to live without your love.

Cuz you're the only one within my heart.

Always and forever.

You and me.

That's the way our life should be.


(Born To Make You Happy - BS)


Love,
J.

Day 273

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Dear Syed,


i want to go date with you.

want to ride in the car with you.

want to eat with you.

want to watch movie with you.

want to talk to you.

want to see you.

want to touch you.

want to smell you.

want.

want.

want.


May you arrive home safely. :)


Love,
J.

Day 270

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Dear Syed,


I just got back from on call shift.

And i feel so hyper at the moment.

I made you a video.

Check it out.

Its ridiculous. Yet funny.

Because i don't know how to sing the whole song.

:)

I want nobody but you.

It's quite pathetic.

But pathetic is an art, honey.


Love,
J.

Day 86

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The day i went to Jakarta.

I went there with four cards.

Which has specific dates on each of it.

The order from you was read only ONE card everyday.

And i did. Miserably.

How i wish you would gave me 2 cards per day.

Because i really miss you during that period.

And you did too.

I still remember how excited you was when we finally get to talk to each other via Skype.

You smiled from ear to ear.

The smile that always melt my heart.

We sms-ed each other almost all the time.

I told you how thrilled I was when i get to meet Ungu band, Nidji and Bunga.

Everyday, you repeatedly remind me not to eat at the stalls because you were afraid i will fall sick.

Every night before i went to sleep, I kept telling you how badly i want you to come over and be with me.

But the most memorable moment was when you replied butterflies are beautiful after i texted you how nervous i was few minutes before my paper presentation.

And everyday we counted the days left for us to meet.

The best part of the trip was when you picked me at the airport.

My heart jumped when i saw you in the crowd.

It was one of the nights when we could not stop staring at each other.

:)



In one of the cards you gave, you wrote:

"I wanna be everywhere with you dear.."


And today, you went to Paris.

With no cards.

With no me.

Day 266

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"Time, make it go faster or just rewind."

- Lenka, Like A Song.

Day 265

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Dear Syed,


i just got back from a session with my mentor.

the same mentor i once told u before, remember?

she said something today.

that really lower down my self esteem, my confidence.

i really hate when ppl put me down.

i hate how words can kill me.

i hate it.

and i hate that u are not here to comfort me.

im sorry for everything.

i really need u.

i always do.


Love,
J.

Day 34

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SH,

At the moment, I am terribly, madly, verily, dearly missing you... The distance is going hard on me... But I'm grateful coz it's meant to be temporary :) The temporary distance was meant to teach us, or to me at least, to appreciate you more... which then makes my heart grew fonder towards you... huhu, I know it's hard to hear these words coming from my mouth, but I do hope you accept them sincerely :)

I still can't stop to tell you how happy I was these few days. They have been so very wonderful to me. I know you had a good time too right? hehe.

I just feel like talking...to you...I do miss you very much, hence I wrote this. :P sayang...I love you...


SAK
12.55 am
28/5/2009

You wrote that during your first offshore trip in your notebook.

We could not communicate at all.

No phone. No internet. No letter.

Absolutely nothing.

Except the torture from missing you.

Although it was only for few days.

It felt like years.


That was the first time we were apart.

Day 261

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Dear Syed,


i feel so stressed out.

there are so many things to be done.

i wish you are here to help me go through this.

i can imagine exactly what u would say:

sayang, relax.. dont think all at once. prioritize things. do it one by one. u can do this. im here for you.

damn.

i miss you.

so much.


Love,
J.

Day 260

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Dear Syed,


today, u wrote in ur FB about how thrilled you were watching Paranormal Activity in cinema with your friends.

it reminds me those times we spent together watching horror movies.

i would hold your hand so tight throughout the movie and hid under the blanket.

i would look at your face instead of the screen because i was too scared.

i would keep asking you, "is the ghost still there? what she's doing? where she go?" and you would patiently answer all my questions without forcing me to watch it myself.

and whenever the sound kills me i would just drew closer to you and bury my face in ur chest.

then u would hug me.

like always, i feel safe in ur arms.


eventho it creeps my heart out everytime we went for ridiculous scary movie outing.

i will still go watch it with you. even for the 100th times.

because its not the movie that matter, but the chance of spending every minutes of my life with the boy i fell in love with.


Love,
J.

Day 239

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To: SAK

Subject: Please read this.


You,

I am sorry for everything I did. For hurting you. I know it was wrong. But I was very mad and unstable emotionally. I missed u so much. I miss us. You have no idea. You must think I made it up. But im not. My heart hurts when u started to ignore me, deleted me from your FB. But of course I shouldn’t have done what I did. All those hurtful words. I said it to get back at you.

I just re-read all the conversations that we had online. Dated since 4th may 2009. We were talking about equations. It was so great. We were happy. I was happy. There were morning chat. Night chat. Skype. Calls. And then suddenly, everything became wrong. Very wrong. Comes the fight. The argument. It was so painful. I don’t know what happen. I cant find where was the turning point. And we’ve followed the wrong path too far. So far that we cant turn back anymore. Now, its hard to reverse back, isn’t it?

But it makes me think of something, I used to love you. Why the hell I did something so horrible to hurt u? U were so great. U helped me with SSM. U were there all the time help me distressing. U took me out to eat. Send and pick me from Slim River. Make me happy, etc. We should have stick to the holiday plan. You were such a good person. It's just the time and condition makes people change.

After yesterday, I know I had ruined all the chances I may get. Don’t worry. I wont disturb you anymore. I will try not to disturb you. At least. Even if the PMS is killing me. I will try hard. I know I have to let this relationship go. We fell in love before. But then, we broke up. There were reasons behind it. Awful reason I don’t remember and do not want to remember.

I know I must accept the fact that you will never love me again. People change. We changed. And its okay, to let it go, rite? Every relationship has its lesson and it will make me stronger. It suppose to, cuz everybody said so.

Furthermore, I want to graduate next year. I really do. I don’t want to repeat. I have done enough with this 5 long years. I want to have holidays. I want to finish housemanship early. I know I have so much to catch up. And I need to focus. So I have to work to get better. I know I can do it. I just need to push myself harder.

While i am still emotionally stable, I want to apologize for everything I did. Accept the fact. Move on. Remember nothing except the good memories. And I hope you are doing good in your life. Seriously I wish so. Especially after all the pain I cause you. Plus, I want to be doing good too. Good condition. Good mood. Hate is not good. It is like a curving blade. If it hurts you, it will hurt me too. And life is karma. We ruined people's life. Our life will be ruined too. It is just a matter of time.

So, may you have a good life!

Goodbye.

From: SH

Introduction

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This is not a love story.

This is a story about LOVE.

Remember the tagline?

This blog is inspired by the movie, 500 Days of Summer.

Now, i am bringing to you my own version which called,
500 Days of Syed.

**********************************************************

Basically, Syed was my boyfriend. We met, fell in love and broke up. Everything happen in a duration of a year.

Like any other girl, i had a very difficult time to handle with the break up. After weeks of pestering my close friends to listen to my sappy sad story, i found another way to heal my broken heart. Writing.

Thus, this blog is created. It is the place where i can channel all my thoughts and emotions. Where i can reminiscing all the memories of us, good or bad. And where i can write things that i cannot say to him.

That's all.


p/s: Today is Day 251.


J.