Day 556

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Dear Syed,

I've never been this cold.

Never been this ignorant.

Somehow i am glad this way now.

It makes me impervious to emotional attacks.

Stop me from being too sensitive.

Sounds too familiar, isn't it.

J.

Day 546

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Dear God,

Can i die today?

I want to die.

I want to rest in peace.

J.

Day 538

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I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did, I did

You were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done

There is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard

Falling for betrayal is worst

Broken trust and broken hearts

I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there

Building faith on love and words

Empty promises will wear

I know, I know

And now when all is gone

There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarassing me

On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would me

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

(Shontelle, Impossible)

Day 531

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Syed,

I just could not believe it. You brought her. To my convocation.

I have been trying to accept the fact you are seeing someone since the day i found out about it. But seriously do you really need to show your affection towards your girlfriend today at MY graduation day. My family was there. My friends were there. Does it ever comes to your mind the idea that i have feelings?

Knowing the fact that you finally meet someone to replace me is one thing. When you know i waited for you. When you are fully aware the reasons of it. To see you two together in front of my face is another big thing. You knew how it felt when Azura left you for someone else. So you should know how my feelings would be seeing you holding her hands.

I can totally accept it that you were coming for Iyas. But is it a necessity to bring your girlfriend when she has nothing to do with Iyas and you knew I was going to be there, considering me and Iyas were coursemates. I know you have life. She has her life. And you both can do whatever you want with your life. But i too have my own. That is my graduation day. Not yours. Not hers. It is suppose to be one of the greatest memory of my life. Could not you be more considerate thinking of that fact. Now whenever people asking me about my graduation. All that play in my mind is, "Great. My ex came with his new girlfriend. Walking hand in hand in front of my family and friends."

Don't worry . I have let you go the moment i saw what a jackass you have become. Seeing you with her really hits me. Knowing the fact that you once held my hands, and then seeing you there holding hers made me feel so stupid to even let you touching me at the first place. I should not have let you into my life and lie about love. Soon, I will became nothing more than a fading memory to you. It reminds me to all the things that my professor once advised me. All of it are true. I should have listen to her instead of arguing with her and continue to trust all your words.

Now it is not the part of losing you that hurt me so much. But the fact of me being stupid to actually believe in you, your words, your so called love. It is true when they said why should you believe when there is lie hidden inside the word.

I hope u will never forget the fact that i am a human. A girl. A girl that you ignored for months. Do you think I deserve all of this? I wish i can be happy for you. But how am i going to do that when you do not even think about my happiness.

J.

Day 511

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Syed,

Is he seeing someone now?

Yes he is. But if you ask who, I have no idea.

Do you hold her hands like you held mine?

Do you rub her cheeks when she smiles?

Do you kiss her hand while you are driving?

Do you rub her tummy when she feels sleepy?

Did you had dinner with her every night?

Do you bring her watching movie at GSC Signature, Gardens?

Do you enjoy taking her photos?

Is your phone full of her pictures?

Do you write her cards for every day you are not with her?

Does she also get a bunny?

Have you brought her home?

Have you introduce her to everyone?

Has Amir meets her?

Do you let her call you Aliq?

Do you bake cupcakes together?

What did you gave her, a necklace? Cuz you gave Azura a ring, and I got a bracelet.

Have you met his family?

Have you promise her that your love will be forever and you will marry her?

Have you tell her that you will never ever love anyone else after her?

Have you promise her mother that you will take a good care of her?

You are creating a new memory. And mine will soon fades away. 10 years from now i am not sure if you will still remember me.

I think i always will.

Because you are the only guy i did all of that with.

J.

Day 500

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Dear Syed,

Love is always patient and kind.

It never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited.

It never rude or selfish.

It does not take offense and is not resentful.

I will always love you.

Then, now and the days to come.

J.

Day 495

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Things that i like about Syed:

1. His hair. I still remember the first few dates, I just cannot resist myself to touch his hair until one day i gather all the courage and asked him, "can i touch your hair".

2. His ears. The next day i asked, "Can i touch your ear?" I like how it gets real red when he feels hot. and I like the texture of em. I like running my fingers through the helix of his ears because at the end of it, there are few little hairs that feel so smooth.

3. His smile. The smile that really melts my heart. I hate when he is angry. Because it scares me. No smile. Just those angry eyes.

4. His smell. CK Euphoria. Hmmph.

5. How he looks real good in pink. Thank you for wearing that shirt on your birthday.

6. I like how our fingers fit into one another when we walk holding hands. It doesnt feel awkward. They just fits together. That is one of the things that makes me believe you're the one.

7. I like how he will hold the steering wheel with one hand and hold my hand with another while driving. Reminds me of that song by Taylor Swift, Our Song.

8. I like how he looks like from the side. The reason why I kept staring at him in the car while he was driving. And i love him more because my stare does not even bother his concentration.

9. I like it when he is 24-7 with me through phonecalls, skype, dating sessions. We used to talk on the phone as early as 5 o'clock. Until one day he get so busy with work and started to get grumpy and do not want me to wake him up at late at night or early in the morning just for unimportant talks.

10. I like how he is able to make me feels so shy in front of camera when i usually don't.

11. I like it when he is happy because of the things i did.

12. I like it when he touches my nose.

13. I like when he cut my nails while stopping at the red lights.

14. His hug. I like being there, close to his heart. It makes me feel safe and loved.

15. I like when he hugged me from the back while i withdrew money from the ATM machine.

16. I like how his hands look like. They are so pale that u can see those vessels running under the skin. His vessel's anatomy is so different from others that u feel like to try inserting branula inside it.

17. I like it when his hands are cold. So i would ask him to put his hand over the aircond until they become cold before he touches my cheek. It feels so comfortable. Hmmph.

18. The way he treated me. Like a princess. I wish I could see it clearly before.

19. He likes to bake cupcakes with me.

20. He doesnt care that i have fatty tummy.

:)

Happy Birthday!

Day 77

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July 11, 2009

Me:

I love this song cuz I feel that is how you feel about me. It feels as if the singer sing this song on ur behalf.

Syed:

:) almost exactly how i felt.

;)

i love u...

Me:

Why almost?

Syed:

Because you have to know i love you more than just what the song tells you. ;)

My love for you is greater than my life. I would live just for you.

You're the reason I smile everyday ;)

Why can't I still be the reason?

Day 431

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Dear Syed,

During the holidays before i started working, i thought a lot about us. About your actions. My actions. Our relationship.

There are situations that i did not understand back then but i do now.

1. Remember when i refused to delete Johann's messages from my inbox. The theory behind it is as the same as you never get rid of Azura's stuff. I know you are still keeping them somewhere. He never gave me anything to keep as memories other than those messages. It was only a month after he left when i found you. And you know that. Yet you still want to try to make us work. Seriously I do too. I just wish you would give me more time. Because I know i will let it go some day. Or maybe at that moment i should have explain it to you the reasons and convince you that you are the only one i want to be with. So that you would not have been so suspicious on my feelings.

2. I could not understand why it really bothers you about my relationship with other guys. I hate your insecurity. I was with you. I chose to be with you. And yet you doubt my loyalty. It hurts. Because honestly i always trusted you. Do you see me getting mad saw messages from your female friends in your handphone. Did i ever get angry reading those text messages from Azura? If only you knew i always told Umar and Johann how lucky i was having you in my life. How i wish you would be together with me until the end. And i never went out with anyone else when we were an item. I never cheated on you. I always told you who called or messaged me. Maybe it's my fault for not showing my love towards you as much as you did. Maybe that's why the insecurity exist on the first place. I am sorry if i ever made you feel unloved.

3. There was this one time when i showed you some of the photos from my digital camera. And then i forbid you to see the rest of the photos. Right after that, you got so mad at me. You started to be cold. Which i seriously did not understand your action. And you started to eat the dinner without invited me. I was hurt. I did not know what did i do so wrong that u behave such a way. The reason i did not let you to see those photos because i was ashamed. There were photos of my bags, soft toys, clothes. I was scared if you see them, you will see me as an immature child. Only 2 months ago, i realised why exactly you were mad during that time. You thought there were photos of me with a guy that i did not want you to see. Am i right? That was why you were so damn angry. With that, I am sorry for giving you a wrong impression by not giving a good explaination of my reasons for not showing you those photos.

4. Do you remember the night we had dinner at Paddington's.The night we fought so bad that i think it is one of the reason we broke up. You took my photo using my handphone's camera. Then as i was looking at the photo, i replied Johann's message. You asked who did i message. I could have lied to you. But i did not. I do not want to because i do not think lies are good for a relationship. And shit I was wrong. I should have lied. Because after that you started to say all those hurtful things. You brought up the issue that you were the one who bought me the phone, the one who paid the bills but yet i used them to send photos to some other guy. I never asked you to give me all of that. You choose to pamper me. And i am grateful for it. But i do not like when you make it as an excuse to control my life. Control who i can be friends with. If only you knew he was only asking me where am i. And i replied i am outside having dinner with my boyfriend. Which was you. I was there with you. And it was just a message. The same message i would replied to Wani if she was the one who send the message. And you accuse me for breaking my promise to not contact him anymore. You forced me to make that promise. I did not want to because i know i will not be able to hold onto it. He was a lousy lover but he is a good friend. He is a good reminder for me to be grateful i have you. There are reasons why i choose to be with you over him. I wish you can see that. Or i should have say it out loud to you rather than hoping you will come up with that thought on your own.

5. Whenever we fought, i would kept silence and cry. Not that i want to ignore you. I just could not answer all your questions because somehow the emotion caught my tongue. If only instead of interrogating me and forced me to talk, you would just hugged me and calm me down. Eventually i will say all the things that you are hoping me to say. I was in shocked. I could not think clearly when you are in front of me with that scary angry face. I am sorry if i am too complicated to understand.

From all of the above situations that i have thought thoroughly, i can conclude that our realationship did not work because of poor communications. We should have fight, talk, discuss loudly just like you always tried to do. We should not kept everything inside because later there will come a day when we cannot hold it anymore. Next, it explodes and things got messy. Just like us.

If you want to blame it on me, i will take it. Because you did try to communicate with me. And i did not. You always mention about your feelings, your insecurity. And i never bother to care.

Remember i once said i like you because you are a simple person. I do not like when you talk to me about your feelings, about our relationship, about my doings. It is too heavy for me to focus on. When things got complicated, i just refused to think. Maybe I wasn't really prepared for a serious relationship as i thought i was.

But what if..

Now, 9 months after we broke up,

I said I am prepared for it.

I am ready to make the relationship works.

Would you give me a second chance?

Or would you still say i am too late to change?

*sigh*

J.

Day 427

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I think God don't love me.

That's why i have a hard life.

That's why i stop praying.

Day 209

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The day i need you.

20 November, 2009.

Syed:

I don't need you.

You can't simply force me to come back to you. Even if i came back, I won't have feelings for you, and things will not get better.

So, stop this.

PLEASE STOP.

Day 85

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One of those days when i feel down.

July 19, 2009.

Syed:

Baby...stay strong k? :)

And i will always be here to lend you my strength..Don't you worry :)

Don't give up! Life's like that. It's full of challenges, it's frustrating, it's miserable to live in, but what's left is for us to make a good outcome out of it right? ;)

I love you, sayang...Loving you more each day.

I don't know why do I miss you even when we meet every single day.

Nak kahwin kot :p

Thank you for always be there for me.

I wish you are still there for me.

Like always.

Like you once said you would to.

Day 56

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More and more FB messages.

Day 27.

You bau wangi, bile u jalan depan i, i suke bau. :p

Day 52.

I wish I could spend more time with you. worth the pnat :)

Day 56.

Remember, i will always love u..no one can ever become your substitute ;)

Day 62.

Baby... i wanna hug u... Let's get married next year!

They said the first three months are the happiest time for every couple.

The fight will only start when the relationship entering the fourth month.

They are right.

Day 54

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June 18, 2009.

Me:

U, i want to book a space in your heart for eternity. I nak space in your arm too. Can tk?

You:

Sayang, u already have that special place in my heart currently. All you have to do, dok diam2 kat situ, let me pamper you accordingly, okie? ;)

And my arms are meant to make you feel safe when you're around me :)

Day 43

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June 7, 2009.

The day I came back from a week of camping outside the city. And found these messages from you in my FB inbox.

June 1.

Syed:

Syg...balikla cpt... i tak thn dah ni :(

Syg...rindu...

Syg...i love u...

June 1.

Syed:

Baby...i want you.

June 2.

Syed:

Baby...i miss you.

June 3.

Syed:

Baby...i love you.

June 5.

Syed:

Baby! Uwa..smlm i tertido trus. tgk da terlepas sehari tau.

Baby, i syg u sgt2...cptla balikk.

June 6.

Syed:

Yay! You're coming back home today :D Can't wait to see you sayang :D

I pray that you arrive home safely ;)

Missh you!

And i was terribly missing you too back then. I still remember how i annoyingly pestering my friends that i want to go back to KL every seconds of each day i was at the camp.

Day 20

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Our first fight..

May 15, 2009.

You: I am sorry. I will stop breathing until you forgive me. Let me suffocate.

Me: Lame.

You: What if i punch and pinch myself?

I cannot even remember what the cold war was about.

Day 16

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This is our first FB message.

May 11, 2009.

You: You do not miss me anymore. :(

Me: Wek ;p

You: Gigit kang budak comel sorang ni. Ngap2.

Me: Tumbuk kang.

You: Aritu dah bagi karate kat blakang bdn i, nak tumbuk plak ek..ganaz.

I am sorry for hitting you that day. I was trying to pat your back. I did not know how my hand became so stiff and hurt you. Huhu..

Day 400

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Dear Syed,

One of the tons of things I learn after we broke up is:

FOOD Is Very Important

Empty stomach makes me emotional as much as it makes you cranky. We fought a lot during fasting month, dint we? We should be more patient.

Hmm.

No. I should be more patient.

p/s: Ramadhan is coming. And nobody will celebrate my birthday as it falls again in fasting month.

J.

Day 395 and1/2

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Dear Syed,

I found an idea how to get over you. It is called as Attention Diversion.

I think you are fully aware of this theory as you are practising it right now. You divert all your energy to your work and Angel. So your mind will not have any space left to think of me which usually your brain will involuntary does.

Sadly I will not be working until end of next month. So i do not have a busy working life at the moment to help me divert my attention. I have to use another technique which is called Thought Block. Right now, i am thinking of what to do with my salary. I love to think about money. It is the second thing that makes me happy, after you. What am I going to buy and where I am going to go. It also has Visualisation technique. Impressive. 2 theories in 1.

I better stop before I sounded more crazy. But it is better to be like this than weeping over you for days when you do not even think of me.

Hu hee~

God, please please please help me to be strong.

J.

Day 395

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Dear Syed,

It was yesterday when Wani asked me if I ever dreaming of you in my sleep. And i answered No.

You never really show up in my dream. Ever.

Until...

This morning.

I always thought that if we ever bumped into each other in the future, you may look the other way or pretending you do not see or know me.

But in the dream, you were smiling. Seeing me. It is just weird. But hm.. I don't think it will ever going to happen. You're not like that.

It was just a dream.

A meaningless dream.

J.